“in fashioning a work of art we are by no means free, that we do not choose how we shall make it but that it pre-exists and therefore we are obliged since it is both necessary and hidden, to do what we should have to do if it were a law of nature, that is to say, to discover it”, Nietzsche…
So, hey! I’ve been around the block. I’ve lived and I’ve learned A LOT! I’ve been here and slept there. Got high with kids, ate from dumpsters and laid in ditches! I’ve walked with Generals and ran combat missions! I’ve stuck needles in my arm and plowed fields on a farm. Grade school, high school, college, skewl of hard knocks—>Knowledge!
!How You Livin!
Livin Life on its terms-every single day is another lesson to be learned! Criticism from judges who have ringside seats to the fight that is otherwise known as my life-Fuck Em! I don’t need another ex-wife! I ain’t wrong but you all ain’t right! Black or white? No room for grey when you don’t listen to me and I cannot hear what you say! I am Motherfuckinh Jay!
Making new friends-outside of my comfort zone- I got used to being alone. I needed some room to breath, some room to grow, some room to roam!
You come to all these conclusions, but there was never an argument nor a conversation. No premise one, no premise two. No room to breathe, for me to be me and you worry the fuck about you!
You try but you won’t change! You say you wanna help- but judge me for being honest because you are incapable of feeling what it is I have felt! I am only playing the cards as they have been dealt! Ups and downs-smiles and cries- a new existence- an unfathomable realm!
My smile is nothing more than your frown! I stole it and flipped it upside down! I am 100 Proof and refuse to water myself down! I have been told lately that my writing has outgrown some peoples capabilities to understand-full of contradictions- an unimaginable paradox! They say I should break down my walls and unlock my locks!
Try to explain 40 years of pain and living a life that feels like nothing more than a Burden, or a strain… Try to explain what a ghost looks like without using the word sheet! Try running without your feet! Tell me what it is you feel when you look in the mirror but don’t see your face! Eyes wide open-MACED! Crying again when I think about where it all began. WIll I ever be sane again? Was there a time when I ever was? It’s hard to think through the fog of it all, past the fuzz!
I am not sorry that I am not what you thought I was—>perceptions!
Brutal honesty in this Bastardized Recovery makes me wish I was blind, makes me wish I could not see!
Going out tonight, clean Jeans and fresh NIKES! I no longer feel guilty for being white!I see the light brighter at night! Ineluctable responsibilities! no more eclipsed visions or twisted loyalties! Going back to the beginning-I know its hard for all the fakes to see a real mother fucker like me winning! Sinners judging sinners for differently sinning!
There is only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell! I got up 8 times after it was seven times that I fell! Inner Peace and thicker skin!
Painting in the dark and without light. Using all black and going all night! I am going to see my therapist to find a new way to cut my wrists! That is now number one on my list!
Premonitions of visions while I am on low provisions that most won’t understand! Not because they won’t but because they Can’t–Lobtomized! Blind! and they used their own fingers to gouge out their own eyes! Surprise surprise!
Two ears but actions and words will just fall on deaf ears when they rest on the heads of the stigmatic-automatic! Pre-programmed-thought processes jammed up-full of greed and corrupt!
To be continued…
To those of you out there in the grip, I hope! We do recover! Look around! Let me in or let me down! I am Jay! Stay up! Stay human too though. I love you and you matter to me!