I can’t see! My eyes are red and itchy because I spent the morning staring at the Sunrise as she did back at me. I knew better. I knew this was going to happen, but I could not help it. Life is so full of fighting and ugliness that when I saw something as beautiful as she, I could not divert my eyes from upon her gaze.

I just woke up. I sleep more these days than I ever have in my life but I have never felt so unrested either. Everything I’ve invested my time and money into seems to be going Bankrupt and broke! When will I be vested? When I’m dead?

Having to fight for my next breathe of air my whole life is taking effect on me, it’s taking its toll. Take the fucken dice! I don’t even want another roll…

People will say, ” Jay, you are one of the toughest men I know”! or here’s one of my favorites, ” You are a Marine, suck it up”! Well, I am tough, or at least I was in another life. I was a Marine too. But I cannot be those things anymore. It is what is fucking killing me! Why am I the only one with the ability to see? It is sucking the wind from my lungs! Pressed up against the sky as I silently cry and the teardrops wash away those dreams of mine that I wrote on the sidewalk in chalk-GONE!

There is Blood in The Ivy for this I can see. My hands are red and scratchy from touching it. I knew this would happen. I knew better, But I couldn’t help it. I’m tired of everything I touch turning to stone!

In a room full of people and still, I am all alone. I give up. I’ve had my fill. I’ve had enough, you know, of being tough?! I don’t know who I am anymore but I really don’t care, I’m too fucken tired…

Stay up. Stay human too though.

Are you kind?