The seasonal change is upon us, but, nature and it’s season known as fall is not exactly what I’m speaking of here this morning.

Lest us first talk about two very nasty, scary words-emotional manipulation! Yikes! I know right?! When most hear the word emotion used in any context, they cringe, at least, I know I do. But, these two put together though! We are all, for lack of a better phrase, guilty of using it. Yep! We are! As infants fresh out of the womb, or in my case, the tomb the catacombs, we scream and cry when we have that hunger pain in our bellies and someone feeds us, if we are lucky! No matter what it is, when we are infants, we scream and cry to get our fullfillment, to be satiated. Most people, when they grow and learn new things, find their own means of getting what the need, require, or want. But addicts especially, never really grow out of this. I grew into! I may not have invented anything, but I sure did master a few things and emotional manipulation is one of them!

Let’s switch gears here for a moment and talk about Love. I know, I know, here we go with this shit again right?

Proceed with caution! When the familiar becomes the unfamiliar, the words that were spilled out in blood onto my world of experience will then become irrelevant. Imagination will then be the basis or bases on which simple new thoughts will turn into complex problem solving solutions.

Take for example, the ‘fact’ that up, the direction, is actually up! Because right now, I feel as if I’m upside-down in a right side up world and I’m thinking about jumping!

Hey Blackwell! What you know about Life? “Umm, not much”! Hey Blackwell! What you know about Love? “Um, even less”! But I do know this though, love kills! It’s all uphill constantly cleaning up the blood that’s been spilled! It’s mind numbing as it sets my heart on fire and let’s my Soul out of it’s cage to be free and wander. Until, one day, it goes somewhere it’s not supposed to go and then I have more secrets I don’t want you to know that weigh me down and cover it my scars I’m already too scared to show!

So, define love!? Everyone’s definition is different in their own way. To really describe love though, let’s talk about the homeless, because not very long ago, I was very fucken homeless. I still felt some love though from those that had a very for me and my situation. For it was from the love of others that I was able to eat and sleep and for the most part, stay high, or, not die! That was in active addiction, that was love for me in one way. But, love wasn’t always life sustaining. No! Love, just saying the word still makes me sick to my stomach! I used it! I seen and still see it being used, everyday.

How does one successfully love the diseased? From a distance? Is it really even love then? Some of us, me especially, are not incapable of being honest as much as we are affraid to be! I let a little out at a time to the ones I love or at least to the ones that say they love me, and it is this honesty that is killing me! This is why I say love kills! Instead of getting what I need or deserve from learning new things such as being honest and open and up front and not emotionally manipulating, I get hurt! My house gets burnt down and then I am judged for being homeless! It’s a viscous cycle for me anyways! I’m sad now and no longer feel like writing……

Stay up. Stay human.


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