Sitting here at 6:05 am trying to pretend that time doesn’t bend. I didn’t sleep much last night; the entire time I laid there, my thoughts just ran as I tried to become someone or something other than who or what I am…
The more I’m pulled, the more I’ll push. Upon me independence is thrust and into this cold world I am once again hurled.
Down the rabbit hole, I once again go, trying to escape it all, trying to be alone. There’s no turning back now, no escape either. I look, but it’s nowhere to be found. No way, no how…
You keep trying to make me look like what you want to see, but thats not working, it’s not fittin, it’s not me! Sitting here crying, trying to breath but all I’m doing is coughing and spittin
It’s hard if not, next to impossible to love someone that’s sick with mental health issues and addiction. And it’s even harder to just accept them for who or what they are. This has become very obvious to me over the course of the last three years. People are by nature fixers. If you think it’s hard to witness my panic attacks or me crying at three am for no fucken reason, imagine what it feels like to be me? Imagine not wanting to do anything short of lay there while being tormented my your mind and then being talked down to because “all you do is sleep”. Rejection instead of acceptance when they cannot find a way to fix this! You read my words, but still, haven’t heard.
You can’t fix me! Your love cannot make me whole and in fact, is the very thing that suffocates me and drives me down that rabbit hole! I need room to roam, time to breathe, and time to be alone! When I showed you my true colors that didn’t me I wanted you to try and re-paint them because I’ve found a way to be comfortable in my own skin, even when it crawls and my SwitchBlade Angels are climbing the walls.
I can’t be who most want me to be. I just want to be me because that’s the only time I’m happy or free. Stay up. Stay human too.
#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #buitlnotbought