Hey, hi, and hello out there! This website, this “blog” if you will, started out as only a twinkle, a fickle flame almost, but has gone so much further than I ever fathomed! It is tagged as a recovery website, although I have written about so many other things than just drugs and alcohol on and in here because recovery is not just the abstinence of them both and I am not just addicted to them both…
This post will not have words that rhyme. It will not be pre-written and red-lined. I am typing this as it comes to my hand from my head and my heart!
I am 41 years old. My whole entire life, up until, and including today, has been lived reacting only, not living. I have simply just reacted to the reactions of my decisions, both good and bad.
Early on in recovery, it was hard to diagnose me, mentally, because the drugs were always in my system. The psychotropics that they were prescribing me were dependent upon my old ways of life and living.
Lets back it up or rewind for a second, and for a few decades….
I am a people pleaser! I always have been. It started at a very young age, because to do so, to please those around me, would make them think and or question me and my problems, less if at all, if they themselves were happy.
I only mention this because the title of this post is Decisions! I am, we are, free to make whatever decision that we so freely choose, wrong, right, or indifferent. What we are not free from is the repercussions of or from those decisions! Because of the way I have lived until recovery at the age of 38, I am a fucking horrible decision maker! That means, I still suffer, and a lot!
Being in recovery and abstinent from that lifestyle does not mean I automatically know how to make good decisions! I am almost three years in and I am still making and paying for bad decisions made after my recovery start date!
Back up to early recovery once again. I had an immeasurable amount of unconditional positive regard and support! Day after day, that shit dropped off, and FAST! It could be the result of too many things to list, but, it’s absence is was and is detrimental, not only in my decision making but its effects on me and those that surround me.
In active addiction, there were only two rules, Don’t die, and don’t get caught! I ran and escaped all consequences that did not involve those two rules for my entire life until the age of 38. In recovery, there are so many fucking rules! After so much clean time, EVERYONE just expects that I know these consequences and or rules! The support drops off, I make one or two life-changing decisions with the hopes that the same amount of support and unconditional positive regard will remain, and it does not! PANIC! What to do when those I have turned to are all the sudden, GONE! Judgments begin, hatred! Negative consequences for decisions that at one time, were positive life choices, become over-bearing! Voicemails become the only ones that I hear and talk to. One or two respond with excuses that seem so absurd to hear from “family”. Lost and confused! Material possessions seem to be more important to them than I!
Chaos theory comes to mind! Even the small decisions carry with them some heavy weight! What to do, where to go, what’s my next mov to simply survive??!!! Where are those that once were????? Have my decisions caused them to make decisions? The law of dichotomy!?
I’ma go and end this post because I have a lot of decisions to make and no one to bounce them off of. So, I have a lot of repercussions to calculate and consider!
I just want to say, that anyone who reaches out to me will never have to worry about judgments or my support dying off! I am in this for the long haul! and I am seeing that a lot of those that were there for me in the beginning, have no place in my present, let alone the end!
We all have decisions to make that affect those around us, those that surround us, including ourselves! I am going to start making decisions that affect me and my well being, first and foremost from now on!