Mediocre Suicide!

This is my goodbye letter to Suicide….

I try, but I can;t turn my back on you, nor allow you to turn your back on me. We’re in this together, don’t you see? Everywhere on my body that I loo, remnants of you are all that I see. This makes it hard to appear happy and live peacefully, but I was meant for you, and you for me, for all eternity..

It’s an escape, You are, my escape, no, WERE my escape, being with you, I know longer contemplate. Ahhhh, who am I kidding? Some days it’s me, but most days it’s YOU, you are winning…

Some might even say that what we have is superficial. But I know, you and I aren’t prejudicial…

What we have isn’t working for you or for me…So, I took a break and slowed my pace in this god damn rat race, and then something happened I never thought I’d see, my future caught up with me!!!

It’s not my fault! My Demons, they were asleep atop the hot asphalt. So, I raised some skeletons from the grave, but not to be saved, I needed someone that already knew how to play, someone made of bones, for I no longer wished to play this game alone…

So, I cut you loose; I set you free. Go now, and roam. Go find another body, another Soul to call your own, to call your home. because I’ve decided to face my fears, and Suicide, it has no home here!

Today was the first day I can remember since I was four years old that I have not thought about Suicide. I mean, I have thought about it, but my thoughts about it are different. I made a decision to not do it, to not make a plan, to not make a back up plan for my back up plan… Today, for the first time in almost 37 years, I want to live to see more than just tomorrow. Today, I don’t feel so helpless and hopeless. I still hurt and probably always will. But, I’ve figured out how to use the hurt against itself…

My mind never stops. There is always movement, motion, thoughts, and NOISES going on up there. A lot of the times, each thought I think is a music note and the music is beautiful, well composed, in tune, and all on time. But, those other days it’s scary and loud! Most days, I am a different musician playing a different instrument in this orchestra that has become my mind. Well, today, today I have figured out how to be the Maestro!

Stay up. Stay human too though…

#inthegrip #builtnotbought #projectsparechange

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