it ain’t easy being me…

Good morning out there! It’s back, Monday! My favorite day of the week! This post, “it ain’t easy being me”, isn’t just about being me, Jay Blackwell. It’s for everyone out there that struggles, no matter what the struggle is. “Me” in the title, is a general sort of me. So, thank you in advance for reading the ramblings of a man that is just trying to find his way through this thing we call “life”. Get in where you fit in as this post will have several different chapters if you will and it’s also a work in progress or the beginnings of something much bigger…

“my name is might have been”

I shouldn’t be alive. I overdosed on heroin, died, and had to be brought back to life, six fucking times. Life has lost it’s lustre to me. Read that again, as it means more to me than what is, at first seen. Lustre, by definition means, “a glow of reflected light: sheen” or, “a glow of light from within: luminosity”.

My environment is far from sterile, but one I have allowed myself to live in. Here I am, sick with infection, and in need of some redemption. If it weren’t for lewd and lascivious acts, would one even participate in the art of brutally honest self-reflection? Go ahead and answer that, as it wasn’t rhetorical, you know, the question…

I started writing on paper without any lines as they tend to be restrictive and force me, they keep me confined. Pressured speech makes what I really wanna say seem so out of reach…

I wish I may, I wish I might….

Someone please, tell me who to believe. In my head, there is a constant fight and it’s one I cannot win. So, I’m constantly choosing to take flight…

Allowances are different than choices one has to pick and choose. What to do, what to do, when my allowances are the very things that are causing me to lose. I feel like I’m always doing only what I am “allowed” to do instead of what I NEED to do…

My mask is a mirror and my senses just became crossed. Sitting here, in tears, and preparring for another loss…

I’m busy hittin nails with a hammer made out of clay; I’m an addict and my name is Jay…

“Hard Thoughts”

It only takes seventeen seconds for the hard thoughts to gain control, as they are fucking relentless! I’m now playing marbles with the stars and the Moon is my shooter. I didn’t come this far to only come this far, but what am I to do, shoot her?!

In my head, inside of my mind…..why am I screaming?!?! Because no one listens to me when I talk. My dreams, my reality, lay there on the ground, reduced to an outline made from chalk…

I think I’ll just plead the fifth, because I get nowhere when I plead the first. I need a ride today. Do you think Uber will send me a hearse?!

“Bits and Pieces”

My insides feel like bits and pieces, and, as hard as I try, I cannot find peace with this. Please stop asking me the same thing again and again and again and again. It’s never been there and I’m beginning to see it will never be, Reciprocity between me and society…

The lines I have drawn were not made out of hate.

The subjective worldly views of others make it hard to breathe. I feel smothered. When will I ever just be RECOVERED?!

I feel happy and sad all the time and at the same time. I find bits and pieces of comfort from being alone. NO! I don’t have an attitude! I just fucking told you, I find happiness in solitude! It’s the only place chaos and confrontation can be systematically dismantled. I am sorry if just seeing my mental illnesses is more than you can handle…

Is this a story or a song? Is one more right and the other more wrong?!

To get up and go outside will surely encompass some sort of fight. I have no conflict resolution anymore, so, I’ll just stay inside and hide from the daylight while I wave a flag that is white. Why are the days so long and the nights so short? I feel like I am trying to eat soup with a fork!

There are times I stayed when I should have left and times I left when I should have stayed…

“Emotional Advantage”

I have never been privileged.

Again, this is a work in progress. I have been sitting on these words for a little over a month and today felt like the time to share them. Something was calling to them today.

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

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