in the beginning, things were different. i didn’t know any better. all i knew was this overwhelming urge to be numb at age four! fast forward thirty-six years, and i still feel the same, sometimes. i just wanna be numb! that’s it, that’s all, i quit! deport, demean, go, leave, depart, withdraw, retire, forsake, desert, abandon, stop, cease, discontinue, desist, and relinquish…..
i’d say, in the past, i’m not real sure why i felt this way about almost everything. but hey, ignorance is bliss, right? so, i write. i read. then i write some more. i’m sitting here, right now, writing this, just two days away from having eighteen months clean from heroin and that life i lived that i fell in love with. i have lived a lot in that time! i got pretty far from where it was, i was at, eighteen months ago, a top that dune at the beach. some would say, mostly me, i have become less willing to accept superficial interpretations and simplistic answers to questions i was always too scared to ask! i have read the words, “the first step in philosophy is doubt”. “stage one thinking, oversimplifying inadequacies. nothing and no one is immortal, except movement”.
it was some truth i set out after. i was in search for something real, ya know? something or someone that society had not sunk her diseased and corrupt claws into yet. it’s a long hard road to the middle, lemme tell ya!
i guess it was a deeper inner peace i sought after, i dunno. i’m not real sure. i get bored. i got bored, even though, my life travels at a million miles an hour. everything felt, well, stagnant. maybe it’s the addict in me that always craves more, again, i’m not sure. i do know though, i have this insatiable thirst and hunger for life, for more! could it be some sense of self preservation? or, an unconscious knowledge that, if i did not at least seek more or search for something better, than impending doom would come creeping in and overcome me?!
many compare their lives to books and more so, chapters in these books, but, i rarely see people reading or writing?! everything has become digital, computerized, and robots are taking the place of men. i remember, as a child, growing up in illinois, we had alleys. those were the highways of my youth! anyways, that was where i first saw a “garbage man”. he was hanging off the back of the garbage truck with a marlboro hanging out of his mouth, a led zep shirt on, and wearing a bandana. i remember thinking, “wow! you actually get paid to be that cool”????
i have said, many times, especially in the past ten years or so, that all the legends are dying off. whether that meant at the time, someone physically dying or the fact that there barely are any garbage men anymore, it leaves a void all the same…
i feel like i am caught or stuck! i’m not sure how to explain it yet…
so, is my life comparable to a book? yeah, i guess, maybe, if you wanted to read me and put me up on a shelf. books get judged by their covers! books also get burned! books get bought and sold too and i’m not for sale! if i was a book, what would my title be?
i thought about writing a book once, seemed like a set up for failure to me!
what do you know about life, blackwell? not much! what do you know about love, blackwell? even less!
i have come to a few conclusions though. they may not have anything to do with, or coincide with what is going on in anybody elses life right now, but are pretty prevalent in mine right now. 1) to be violent is to be weak! i am not saying that bloodshed is never a requirement, but, for me, it takes more courage and strength to be gentle, to be kind! 2) most people, especially the ones i looked up to early on, will not support me publicly out of fear of what i have and what i will become! 3) it is ok to feel that emptiness! i have this void and at times, its need to be filled is more than i can handle. this emptiness, for whatever reason it is there, means that there is room for growth, room to fill it with whatever i see fit, and whatever time sends my way!
i need an ink transfusion as i am writing more than ever before. i sit here, and bleed on paper…
all that shines is not gold and there is no such thing as a free lunch! i am rich in ways that money will never touch! is money the root of all evil? i am not sure but, i do know that it is a necessity of life. it seems like, the more you have, money, the more comfortable you are. a lot of you will misconstrue that last phrase! i do not mean any way that having more money will allow me to be more comfortable in a sense that i can have more possessions, no! when i say “comfortable”, i mean to be with the ability to turn the thermostat up above 65 degrees. i mean, to be able to walk out of the grocery store with more than just two bags of food for two people, for the fucking week! i mean, not losing sleep because it is supposed to rain the next four days and i won’t be able to work, so, what will i choose to be without? i mean, will i be able to afford to put up a christmas tree this year?
i’m not even gonna say that i am blessed to be where i am today, because blessings are fucken given! and i fought like hell to get where i am today!
even though, the more $ one has, may mean being more comfortable, i do know that it does not cost a single penny to be nice! i know that a simple smile and a hello with eye contact may change or even save a person’s life! i know that this too shall pass, even the good times and the good things! i know that happiness is not a fucking sin too!!!!
i have also come to realize that, only i can save myself from myself and that dogmatic tradition has never done a single thing for me other than let me down. i have proven that one does not have to be religious to be a good person!
i learned that learning how to smile was harder than i ever fathomed! i don’t just mean to physically smile either, even though that was an accomplishment in and of itself, i mean to smile from the inside out and really mean it!
i learned and know, that even though it is hard, it is not impossible to love someone enough to let them go and that at times, it is as much a necessity as it is an inevitability. holding on, sometimes, hurts more!
i turned 40 the other day, but my body feels like that of an 80 year old man. i feel like sometimes, i have the heart and mind of a young child and i have no clue where it comes from as i was robbed of my childhood! my soul feels as timeless as time itself though……
i’m still not sure which helps me more, crying or laughing!?
i know that you can tell a lot about a person from their eyes, or, as i have also heard them called, “a person’s window to their soul”. the same could be said about one’s hands too though. the way the shake mine, the callouses or lack thereof. are they soft and silky or tough and leathery?
i know for me, it took giving up the victim mentality in exchange for that of a creator! there is a fine line between comlaining and venting and some people use that to play jump rope with i have learned that love will fuck you up worse than any drug i have ever consumed too!
so, what do you know about life, blackwell? not much, i guess. what do you know about love, blackwell? even less, still. i do know that i am and addict and my name is jay and i have found a new way to live and that way is as much different everyday as it is the same!
so, is my life comparable to a book? yeah, maybe in some aspects. i’d like to think of myself more like a song though. you see, books, words, sentences, paragraphs-they will be the same every time you open the cover and allow your eyes to drag across them. music though! music has saved my life more times than anything or anyone else out there! sure, if you write down the notes and the lyrics, they will always look the same long after the ink dries. but, to play it, to sing it, to not just listen to it, but to close your eyes and ficking feel it, to become it!? yeah, i’m more like a song baby!
these4 wre some old words i had written a few years ago and never shared, along with so many others. i’m not sure what brought me to them this morning, but they felt like i had just written them and helped me tremendously. so, i figured today was as good a day as any to share them. i hope they find you all in good spirits!
stay up; stay human too…