I am a simple person who likes simple things. I'm just trying to make my own way through life and be as happy as possible while doing so. I would also like to spread the message of hope and recovery showing people that change is possible!!!
Trust is something that never came easily for me, nor was it r given freely. ~Somebody always paid a cost~Something was always lost~
This is because I always victimized myself, putting my actions, both past ans present, on a shelf.
So, it’s not hard to imagine how hard it was to not know, in which, was the right direction to go…
Promises are the lies that are being said and are seemingly, always being read. Truth be told is a coined phrase that, in which with, most mouths should not behold!
I want the things that I do not need and am constantly battling over which beast to feed. This, that, and the other, I’m tired of people that are never there, calling me Brother!
Acceptance is key! Oh shit! I was just stung by a bee! Let’s wait and see how long it takes for me to not be able to breathe!
To me, life was always a game and I was always joking. Tryna breath only resulted in coughing, spitting, and choking! Actions are learned behaviors, and if don’t nothing change, life will always be a game and everything will always remain the same, a joke! What good is a tire with glass for spokes?!?!?!?
What are you gonna do about it? There’s nothing you can do about it, but everything I can do about it!
I’m tired of living by consequences. It’s made it hard to pick and choose, which battles to lose and which ones to continue to fight and what exactly is wrong when nothing feels right!
But, just as learned behaviors become action, they can be UNLEARNED too! Trust me! I wouldn’t lie to you, (no pun intended!).
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world”, Albert Einstein.
When the time comes for change, how will you know how? Who is it you will give the authority to show you who and how to be? And in doing so, does this really make me, ME??!!
Nothing is ever as it appears and it’s next to impossible writing in blood in my Book of Mirrors; it smears!
It was 5:55 am and his thoughts were just as thick as the fog inside of his mind. Truths smothered by insecurities!
It was seemingly impossible to concentrate when all I an do is perpetually Reverberate…
Thoughts and ideas bouncing off of the walls and down the halls of his mind, down his arm, to his hand, for my pen to find…
In Reverberation, nothing is concrete, there is no foundation. Brain, mind, Imagination! These things just keep happening, from the end, right fucking back to the beginning…
It was a beautiful sting, when I “Tattooed My Soul”, but it was the feeling I fell in love with. You know, letting go of the fallacy of control?!
My mind makes music. I know! I’m sick! Each thought is a note and each time it comes back, it’s been spun around and is now upside-down! My imagination is the station or, maybe, the instrument in which my emotions strum, bang, and FUCKING pound on so relentlessly~Reverberation!~I love the sound!
Some days, sometimes, it’s a pretty dirty thing, the music in my mind that is. Soap for my mind I no longer wish to find! Read my lips, JUST SAY NO TO CENSORSHIP!!!!!
I try to explain this to the people who say they love me, as well as those who are trying to help me, the best I fucking can! They nod in agreement with a fucking smile, but they really don’t understand!
The drum of thought is pounding as I sit here crying with my head in my hands…
Silence is deafening to me! The music will take over, overtake, and then, nothing’s real and everyone is fake!
Sometimes, it’s not even music that’s being made inside the concert that has become my mind, it’s just noise. Echoing sounds are all that I can find! Strumming, plucking, banging, and pounding, but oh so delicately and with a fineness…
This noise in my mind, often times, brings to my eyes, a blindness, and nothing helps, so there’s no use to even try…
By the way of the gun and with this music in my mind, today ought to be fun so long as I don’t go blind…
Maybe today, I’ll be the maestro, maybe I’ll be the conductor. Then I thought, who would that be good for?!
~!MANIC! PANIC! GOD DAMNED SCHIZOPHRENIC!~
I gotta go, for I can no longer afford to waste another breathe of thought! #builtnotbought
Cuz I got this friend you see inside of my head and I know he’s real cuz he makes me feel! He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear as he forces me to face my fears! and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on………
Have you ever been this sick and lived in a college town? To know and understand, not only, what’s overlooked, but what goes down. If not, let me tell you, it’s enough to make this sick man frown…
Broken dreams and alcohol are just two things, in which, most are drowned!
It’s so fucking hard not only to NOT live this way, but to watch and discard all of the dismal dismay..
“Maddness! It may not always need a break-down, as much as it does a BREAK-THROUGH”. I threw my break-through up against the wall to see if it would break-through, you know, the wall, while I screamed “FUCK IT ALL!
I could write one thousand words of wit, but unless you’ve lived here, you won’t understand just what it is I’m working with…
In a college town, ADDICTED, torn up and twisted! A college town, where maladaptive behaviors and binge drinking are not only over-looked, but Predicted!
It’s 5:07 am, on a Saturday. I haven’t spiked my vein or raised a bottle to my lips, yet. These days, I don’t have as much to prove, as I do to PROTECT!
So, it is, in a college town, my thoughts, feelings, and emotions get, out from under me, Ripped, leaving me only more unstable, emotionally losing my grip…
The fears from within when I’m having fever dreams! It’s 68 in here, but I’ve got a temperature of 103 degree’s!
Without permission, thoughts become dominant that used to be submissive and are now trapped inside one of the five contextual dimensions~progressive! Up against the wall, I’ll show it all…
This ink is my blood that sets the stage for my words to leap out of the sentence and up off of this page!
Sometimes, they go up into thin air, my thoughts, as I catch myself thinking, “what the fuck am I doing here”? Other times, I’m immersed from the ceiling to the floor, while I’m screaming, “PLEASE, NO FUCKING MORE”!!!
Silence is deafening! So, silently I scream as my mind sprays graffiti!
LIFE! Sometimes it’ll lift you up. while at others, it’ll tear you apart! Sometimes it is dark, and sometimes, well, sometimes it is lite! Them smiles and cries, right?
Sometimes, it makes me feel stupid, and sometimes, because of it, I feel smart. What about those times though, when I attempt to pour coffee in the dark?
Just when I think I’m a smart man, I go and do something dumb like that, and burn my damn hand!
I know longer make my decisions through my incisions nor base them off of any type of organized religions…
Though, it makes no difference how I choose, the former or the latter, cause and effect will turn good decisions bad, and cause everything to scatter!
The “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is something I seek, but may never find, so, I’ll just let it ride…
Even after two years, nine months, and fourteen days in recovery, I try, but still can’t always see what lies in front of me. I lived the wrong way for so long that living “right” seems so out of reach, so out of sight. I do my best not to make decisions that will cause me or my loved ones pain, but I am not always successful at this. Life is a gamble for me most days as I am still so unsure of my ways. I’m not always sure what to do or say. I make mistakes and sometimes I have to make them fifteen times before I realize, the error in my ways. People often ask me why I do things the hard way. Well, why do you assume that I see another way?! I am an addict! My name is Jay!