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re-imagined

when i awoke, i came face to face with the repo man of Souls. it was then, i realized i had something he could take from me. so, i turned turning 42 into a distant memory…

ohh! ohh! the chain, back here i come, for it truly is the only way for me. it’s not who i’ve become, but what i always was…

my heart beats at the rhythm of the f-stop blues. read that again so you don’t fucking mis-construe!!!

so many things to fight, and even more triggers to dodge. it’s a mixed bag, a hodge-podge almost! i think it’s time for me to turn back into a ghost. isolation is what i need the most…panic! all of the sudden, i’m scared, full of fear. i wish it would all just fucken disappear! somebody reach in and pull it out through my ear. all of this anger, I have learned, is really just built up fear!!!

i fell asleep, last nite, in the sandcastle of my mind. the sun, the moon, and all of the stars, they were perfectly aligned…

Pressured thoughts that turn mechanical, or maybe maniacal! no, wait, they’re diabolical. i think i am an animal! moving fast! demons on speed and the devil on lsd

~Moon Phase~Mind Phase~

happiness is not a sin and the pain won’t stay that long. time to re-load the bong…

i have become soft with a hardness even i struggle to define. i gotta go, i gotta take these pills the doctor gave me to try and ease my mind, to make me feel fine…

stay u; stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuclkles #builtnotbought

enter the night

i made a choice….i died in order to do, what it is today that i do, what i endure…

watching as my emotions get carried away with the wind as it blows, soft and slow, BUT, this time i do not squeeze tighter, my grip, no. i peacefully open my hand and just let go…

today, i need to be carried though, as i cannot carry the weight and i’ma get by with some sad songs and serenades…

here i go again! writing down all my feelings on this paper with this fucking pen…

did you even hear what i said?!?!?!?!

testing, testing! 1, 2, 3!

I need more volume on my mic!

i ate yesterday, and i actually slept last night, but, i didn’t wake up feeling rested and i feel sick to my stomach, i ain’t alright…

i long for the day, it doesn’t feel like i’m drowning, like someone threw me in a well~i’m tired of feeling”unwell”…

my thoughts drift along~riding a memory of an incident that hasn’t even occurred yet. hung-up on a dream that i have yet to see, yearning to be the me i have yet to be…

wishing, for an end to the lies as i enter the night, looking through the Warrior Bars to My Soul…

Stay up; Stay human too though…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

shoe-strings and paperclips…

Hey, hi, and hello out there!

This blog, 4realrecovery, means so much to me! It’s definitely in the top 3 things that have kept me whole this past 3 years, 5, months, and 5 days. It started out as a suggestion, which turned into a thought and then an idea. Crazy how 1 suggestion from the right person can be so life changing, huh?!?!?!

That suggestion turned idea, birthed www.4realrecovery.com! In it’s infant stages, it had a very specific and targeted audience, addicts and alcoholics. Well, as my “new life” began to take shape and evolve, so did 4realrecovery, as I began to realize just how sick I was. 4realrecovery has been everywhere from journal entry’s to song lyrics and poems that articulately reflect my feelings or, lack thereof…

The new targeted audience is, EVERYONE!!! It’s for the loners, the 3 am’ers. The poets, the artists, THE MUSICIANS! It’s for the suffering who cannot speak and the sick, the un-well. It’s for the junkies, the liars, the cheats, and it’s for the thieves! It’s for all those who truly Believe!!!

It’s for those who just wanna scream FUCK! in the middle of church! This blog, and this post, is for all of you to know that you, that WE are not alone! It is for all of those we have lost who have to suffer no more….

It’s for the one’s with the gun, the one’s that are staring at the phone waiting for they money to come through, rocking back and forth, wondering, :how come”?

It;s for the mentally ill, and, it’s also for the “normal” people. Yeah, that’s right! I’m tired of living under the blanket of shade and shame! They need to see, read, and hopefully, change the way they see us!

One year ago today, I survived a bad suicide attempt. I’ve done so much in this past year; I’ve LIVED!!! I’ve fallen down many times, but I always got back up. I’ve triumphed, paid the cost, I’ve loved, and I’ve lost! I’ve made new friends and memories I’ll never forget! I’ve also done some things I’ll forever regret, But< I LIVED THROUGH IT ALL!

This post is also a thank you post! If you have ever read my words or liked them, or shared them…..you have helped to save my life! So, I thank you kindly!

If you need someone to lean on, I got you, as I too need someone to carry me through…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles #suicidesurvivor

~Thought Frequency~

the waves, they peak after the point breaks and are relentlessly pounding, to the point where i find myself wondering, “how much more i can take”?

each wave is a thought within my mind, a situation if you will, a place in time~low fidelity~no need to rectify, no. more like electrify and then amplify…

thoughts pounding and speech that is under pressure, it is the pitch i wish to measure, attempt to establish which one is doing the most contribution, and where exactly is the center of distribution…

water and electricity don’t mix! it’s almost time for me to head downtown and get my next fix. my head! oh how bad it hurts from one million cycles per second, from the megahertz!

who’s that standing there, behind that door? oh i see, it’s the maestro!

it’s exhausting having an over-active imagination. someone, please, change the fucking station!!??!!?!

my head just turnt to TV static! panic! god damn schizophrenic…

stay up; stay human too though…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

run home slow…

good morning out there…

the record spins on the turntable as i drop the needle. the music starts and so does the soft low giggles…my skin crawls, my heart aches, and my mind, it wiggles…

today, i need to be carried as i cannot carry the weight and i’ma get by with sad songs and serenades…

here i go again, writing down all my feelings with this paper and pen…

this thing called life, it’s like a game i cannot win and there ain’t no tellin a Moth where it been…

i’m so high, i need to come down slow and singing in church on sunday won’t save my Soul, but, everyday, my Soul sings to me soft and low~these are the things that cause me to run home slow…

the michigan city madd ants , they’re back at it again. they’re doing their madd dance across my skin, or, is it just playin tricks on me, my somatic nervous system?

PANIC! god damned paranoid schizophrenic! i once was above it; now i’m down in it!

most days, i’m unsure which way to go, as it’s always some place new, where i make my home, to run to slow…

i feel like this post is garbage, like, it’s junk! because, i ain’t got nowhere today, to run to slow. i’m slippin back into that mid-western funk!

i thought i knew everything, but i realize now, i know nothing. everything i once knew, is now gone, but, somehow, someway, i find a new way to carry on each day….homeless and alone!

i found myself, telling myself, “stop running from me, we have to find a new place to go, a new home, to, run to slow”…

it was a sin, but, it felt so good, i’d do it all over again! Finnegan begin again!

you left, but, i didn’t get real far in that getaway car…

last night, in my mind, i cleared out all the trap houses, and one by one, one at a time. i may be clean, but i still feel the need to get numb, to get high, well, sometimes…

it’s usually when i’m looking out the windows to my Soul and it’s still raining. i might be insane, but i ain’t crazy!

demons on speed! the Devil, on LSD, where will i end up today? where will my home be? we’ll just hafta wait and see…

stay up; stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

inside the wind

i wish i could be inside the wind and outside of my head. not on a high, and not on a low; but with minimal anxiety though, and a new level of depression that doesn’t have me crippled to the bed…

the wind is irresistible. the wind is respected, and at times, feared. the wind is also invisible, but it is also revered…

to be inside the wind, would be not so much an escape, but an existential reprieve, a never-ending, shape-shifting relief…

it’s 6:06am, i find myself wanting to be inside the wind, once again, but today, i’m in trouble though, for there is no wind. the air is cold, still, and thin…

i just arrived back inside of my head and i cannot remember where i went, i cannot remember where i’ve been…

my own mind, it seems, has rejected me, neglected me, only to have finally accepted me. eccentric thoughts that are complexed~jinxed~perplexed…

there may not be any wind but, i’ve got the sunset in my pocket and i visited the moon last night on my rocket. with the sunrise fast upon us, i fully intend to sue the day to get back all i lost in the fight~

so, i sit here, on my porch, which feels like out on a limb, with pressured speach and thoughts i wish i could rescind, as i patiently wait, to slither back inside the wind…

stay up; stay human too…

#builtnotbought #whiteknuckles #inthegrip

Evolve!

I find myself south of the moon once again, unsure of where I’m going and unable to forget about where I’ve been…

Time to Evolve! Evolve, Evolution! Revolve, Revolution! Dissolve, Dissolution!

Living my best life, my Debauched Lifestyle! Gonna let that one get some air, gonna let it breathe for awhile!

Revolve, Revolution! RPM, Revolutions Per Minute! “I hear it’s nice this time of year on Jupiter”! Spinning round and round as I’m down in it! I no longer seek approval from the Augur~I rolled the bones and the Crow fly’s alone! Revolve, Revolt! as I ride off on this god dammed lightning bolt!

Dissolve, Dissolution! constantly moving, seeking a solution inside these Revolutions~Panoramic! Hotter than an infection! PANIC! as the needle pierces my skin! Oh No! Not another fucking injection! To some, my words are stranger than fiction. Others, well they understand the depiction!

Evolve, Evolution! All of this spinning has knocked me off my center of gravity~It’s hard to concentrate as I’m coming down from normalcy! My modified brain! It’s more like a train, no, a locomotive, a steam engine`HOT and NASTY! Evolving as I’m Revolving! Dizzying thoughts that can only be built, not bought…

Stay up; Stay Human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles #evolve!