The Mustard Plug!

“Will you look me in the eyes and tell me I”m not dying?!”

I wanna look at you and feel something other than pain!

I’m sick! It’s impossible to wake up and feel anything close to Love….

I’ve become an insignificant voice, in the screaming that once was a conversation in my head! No girl, I can’t come to bed, because I have to cry myself asleep on the couch once again….

“we fight so hard to fight our fears that we are scaring ourselves”…

I am sitting here tryna decide if I wanna take this medicine! If I do, I’ll end up in the gutter. If I don’t, I’ll end up in the gutter again… either way, it’s self inflicted and nobody will ever find out just how thin my skin really is…

Can I just sleep until I cannot feel again????????

“I’m sick of being ok against my will”, by taking these god damn pills…

I’m ok! I’m not fucken ok! *I’m brOKen going the wrong way on a one way road in my head too busy tryna remember what my therapist said….

My head, it turns intyo TV static ! AHHHHHHHHH

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The Real World!

These are such confusing times in which we live, oh where to begin….

With the world at our fingertips, we are surrounded with information, but drowning in ignorance as we so eagerly open our mouths to be spoon fed bullshit! I am sure I will be judged for this!

You get up and get out of bed, take a piss, and then look in the mirror~what do you see? Most won’t like it~Most won’t know what the fuck to do about it!~most are in the fucking GRIP! and even this, they won’t admit!

The friends you think are your friends, really ain’t! Sittin still, tryna breathe and I feel like I’m gonna faint! Family that ain’t blood because the one’s that was, yeah them, all they know how to do is judge for not living life as they would!

TV, radio, and let’s not forget social media~what is real? Who is fake? Wolves in sheep clothing stepping over a bunch of fucking snakes!

I guess I found a place to begin, but let us not forget though, about religion! The message came to me last night on the ankle of a pigeon~it was constructed to control with fear the hearts and minds of everyone, eveywhere! To me, this has never been so clear…

I woke up again, overwhelmed with all of these thoughts inside my head, and more coming at me, just around the corner, up ahead…

I’ll continue this later, as my train just pulled into the Bend…

Fake people, fake news, right-side-up world and I’m upside-down! Fake smiles that hide all the frowns! Politicians and religious leaders? More like a bunch of fucking clowns!

Most won’t even talk about why they are hurting or what makes them sad, because of the “don’t upset the heard” mentality, and it’s this that is keeping you all mad!!!! What? Too much truth? Oh, my bad….let’s continue with the insanity!

Most of you “freethinkers” are just waiting to jump on the next bandwagon fad without an original thought in your fucking heads! All you do is re-word what you’ve already heard, what you just read!

Fuck where to start! When and where does all this bullshit end?! And you say I’m crazy for spending so much time in my own head!!!

“They” say we’re only as sick as the secrets we keep and that whatever you sew, the same you shall reap. with that being said, it’s a wonder how most people eat, because farming ain’t all they don’t know, while their secrets they will always keep!

More, more, more, gimme more is all I see and hear. People obsessed with more and overcome from fear, I see you though, because your fake smile can’t hide all them tears!

Social stratification got most of you afraid to be alone, wanting only to “keep up with the Jones’, and in doing so has got you all looking down your cold, judgmental noses….

I took this world and tore it apart. Now, my world has a different name…

Stay up; Stay human too though…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles #projectsparechange

the better known me…

Good morning out there!

Forget about all the things, about me, that you may have heard, because, as true as they may be, they are also absurd!

Allow me to introduce you to the better known me…

It’s hard some days, to tell, just which life I am living and which one I am running from that is preventing me from becoming who I am supposed to be, “when the hope is gone, all the weight falls on me”…

the better known me…

Is there a kindler gentler hell? Or is this really living, because sometimes I really can’t tell…

I evolve so hard and so much, each day I awake, I’m not of this mind and with reality I’m so out of touch…

My conscientiousness has to catch up with my reality, because when I get up and get out of bed, sometimes I don’t recognize who I see staring back at me…

Is this because I’m so socially awkward, especially with people I don’t normally see???

the better known me…

you think you know me…

you better get to know me…

I just may be a version you’ve never seen!

~!TRUST AND BELIEVE!~

My self-reflection is like holding a mirror in front of a mirror; where does it begin, because it doesn’t ever end???

What are you judging me for??? I’m the one that allows myself to die each night only to be re-born….

the better known me…

Stay up; Stay human too though

#builtnotbought #projectsparechange #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

No Way Out!

What would you say, if I asked you if I could live your life so that you could live mine? You’d probably say, “no thanks. I don’t have the time”.

Say whatcha wanna say~Say whatcha need to say!

Let’s start with an introduction, I’m an addict and my name is Jay! For some of this, we will go back in time, and for the rest, we will start in the future and press rewind….

Say whatcha wanna say~Say whatcha need to say!

I spent most of my time on this planet trying to find a way off~pushing rocks in a pipe~staying awake thinkin bout this for days and even more nights!~only to get stuck in a frozen moment in time~tryna breathe and all I could do was COUGH!!!!!

Say whatcha wanna sya~Say whatcha need to say!

It was in these moments, when my only friend was the man on the moon, I learned how to erase my conscience with a dull needle and a dirty spoon~

Say whatch wanna say~Say whatcha need to say!

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I already had bullets for teeth and a heart full of hurt, and then minutes after my birth, all of the sudden, I was splashed with gasoline and then BURNT!

Say whatcha wanna say~Say whatcha need to say!

Growing up on some cold mean streets, it was a struggle to keep shoes on my feet, because I was always on the run and livin by the way of the gun! Even still, this would never prepare me for what was to become….My addiction was on a warpath~Fight or Flight?~How about both, and then RUN!

Say whatch wanna say~Say whatcha need to Say!

Tell me where to go? Tell me where to turn? Locked in a cell with no fucking way out! Let me live your life so you can live mine??!! Who put these fucking bars around my mind????

Say whatcha wanna say~Say whatcha need to say!

Stay up. Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #projectsparechange

Home!

Hey, hi, and hello out there! This post is dedicated to all those that have never had a home, those who have never felt at home, or worse, felt alone in their own home….

These days, I use my nervousness with purpose and common sense. What I mean is, I turnt home into a feeling, a sense, instead of allowing it to only be a physical presence…

It was ALWAYS so cold in my last one, my home, that I could ALWAYS see my breathe and I grew tired of ALWAYS almost freezing to death. I was ALWAYS chilled to the bone…

Is it too far fetched, for you to understand, that Home for me, is still under a park bench? Even still, understanding is NOT competence…

I no longer run from the gray in my mind, for, at times, it is the only place that is not so erratic, you know, where your brain turns into TV static, as well as the destination I run to when Home is what I seek to find, it’s always there in my mind…

Please, let us not judge a life that we have ever lived!

Stay up. Stay Human…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles #projectsparechange

NATIONAL SUICIDE AWARENESS DAY!

Today is national suicide awareness day! I find it strange that we only have one day out of 365 to be nationally aware of this, but who am I anyways….
So, we are supposed to write LOVE across our wrists in observance. Well, I’m home alone so I chose to write it over my most recent suicide attempt that resulted in 12 stitches last year on Veterans day. I am ALWAYS AVAILABLE to anyone that contacts me for help with ANYTHING! I’m all Misty now, so, I’m not gonna say much more…
Stay up. Stay human too…

#builtnotbought

Mediocre Suicide!

This is my goodbye letter to Suicide….

I try, but I can;t turn my back on you, nor allow you to turn your back on me. We’re in this together, don’t you see? Everywhere on my body that I loo, remnants of you are all that I see. This makes it hard to appear happy and live peacefully, but I was meant for you, and you for me, for all eternity..

It’s an escape, You are, my escape, no, WERE my escape, being with you, I know longer contemplate. Ahhhh, who am I kidding? Some days it’s me, but most days it’s YOU, you are winning…

Some might even say that what we have is superficial. But I know, you and I aren’t prejudicial…

What we have isn’t working for you or for me…So, I took a break and slowed my pace in this god damn rat race, and then something happened I never thought I’d see, my future caught up with me!!!

It’s not my fault! My Demons, they were asleep atop the hot asphalt. So, I raised some skeletons from the grave, but not to be saved, I needed someone that already knew how to play, someone made of bones, for I no longer wished to play this game alone…

So, I cut you loose; I set you free. Go now, and roam. Go find another body, another Soul to call your own, to call your home. because I’ve decided to face my fears, and Suicide, it has no home here!

Today was the first day I can remember since I was four years old that I have not thought about Suicide. I mean, I have thought about it, but my thoughts about it are different. I made a decision to not do it, to not make a plan, to not make a back up plan for my back up plan… Today, for the first time in almost 37 years, I want to live to see more than just tomorrow. Today, I don’t feel so helpless and hopeless. I still hurt and probably always will. But, I’ve figured out how to use the hurt against itself…

My mind never stops. There is always movement, motion, thoughts, and NOISES going on up there. A lot of the times, each thought I think is a music note and the music is beautiful, well composed, in tune, and all on time. But, those other days it’s scary and loud! Most days, I am a different musician playing a different instrument in this orchestra that has become my mind. Well, today, today I have figured out how to be the Maestro!

Stay up. Stay human too though…

#inthegrip #builtnotbought #projectsparechange

The Feels! Pt. One

Good morning out there! I’m on them Feels once again or should I say, Still?! And, I’m fine with that these days, as I’ve acquired a new Power of Will! My feelings are no longer a four letter word…

I hear a lot of people saying, “Life is hard”, it’s NOT though, LIFE IS LIFE! Read that again! Life is Life, we as humans make it hard! Most of, if not all, people run from their fears as well as what makes them scared. This isn’t natural, this isn’t nature! This is generations of social conditioning and social stratification causing people to believe it is natural. This is a scapegoat and the easy way out!!!!!! Nothing I’ve ever had came to me easily, including my emotional intelligence! I used to say, “Life is easy, we as humans complicate it with emotions”, boy was I ever wrong!!!

Emotions only complicate things when they are being ignored. It’s like their way of saying, “HEY! I’m over here! Pay attention to me”!

I had to learn how to heal without the band aid of drugs and alcohol before I could begin this never-ending learning process of becoming more Emotionally Intelligent!

Allow me to break it down~

“Emotional Intelligence is the ability to deal with other people successfully. By understanding one’s own feelings they can understand and evaluate others. These are the five MAIN elements of Emotional Intelligence”—-

~Self Awareness

~Self Regulation

~Motivation

~Empathy

~Social Skills

Did you notice, in the definition, they used the word evaluate and NOT judge?! There’s a HUGE difference…

In part two of The Feels series, we will break down the 5 main elements of Emotional Intelligence. For today though, I would like to ask those of you reading this to pause for a minute, take a deep breath, and make an honest effort to not only identify what exactly it is that you are feeling, sit in it for a moment, and then decide what to do or not do with it. This won’t be easy at first, but neither was learning how to walk and talk and look at you now!!!

I promise you, this will not only become easier with time and honest, diligent efforts, but it will change your fucking Life forever!

Stay up. Stay Human too…

#builtnotbought #projectsparechange