Hey, hi, and hello out there.These are to be some of the most tonally correct words that have yet to been writ. I’ma write em in English too, as I’m so done with Sanskrit!First off, lemme re-introduce myself. I am Blackwell, first name, motger-fucking Jay! It’s about time I take myself up off that shelf as I’m finally back in the “219”! So, listen up and maybe, for once, hear what the fuck I got to say!?Keep your ears open, but your heads down, as I’m done with warning shots! These next few are coming straight across the bow!The fuck you mean? Did you think I was gonna forget?! Go ahead and drag my name through the mud! I’ll just pick it up and wash it off! In fact, somebody get me some detergent!Racing thoughts and pressured speech make laying these words down seem so out of reach!I no longer feel like I’m drowning! Today, my smile is real as underneath it, I am no longer frowning!I’m tired of crying and feeling like I’m dead inside! What?! Too soon? Well, I’ve no longer got anything to hide? The 4 wheels of my skateboard are on the ground and I’m ready to ride!I loved you with a hardness that you were never able to understand, let alone, harness! I’m not sorry for this and am no longer begging for your forgiveness! I will get through this…After all that you’ve put me through, it was hard to figure out what the fuck was the next right thing to do! My vision is clear today and I’m making moves, most of which, do not include you…I’m still at full throttle, but I don’t live my life so wide open any more! You ruined that, used my honesty against me to make me feel as privileged as a whore!Those days are over and gone. It’s time I start living, Seriously, and a bit more Mysteriously!Stay up. Stay human too!#builtnotbought
I’m listening to “Welcome To My Nightmare” by Alice Cooper on Pandora.
Hello Jason, my name is Amber, and you should go back to recovery! Just by saying that makes you, to me, fucking ugly! You don’t know what addiction is, let alone recovery, so don’t pretend you fucking know it, or me, otherwise, go ahead and write my god damn eulogy!
I’m gonna say a lot of shit on and in this blog post! letters are just carefully grouped together words. Some of which are better heard than they are read and more are even better said! I’m gonna do both, That way, they are heard and fucking said!!!!!
Some of you may read these words and not even think twice, but to others, my words are bathed in meaning and know the meaning of life.
I got nothing more right now. I’m so mad and this ain’t no fucking joke! Please, stop, suffocating me! I can”t stand still let alone breathe when all you allow is me to cough and choke…..
Fuck it! I’m out! I guess I’ll give you all something to go and fucking talk about!
Stay up. Stay human….
#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought
Hey, hi, and hello out there! This website, this “blog” if you will, started out as only a twinkle, a fickle flame almost, but has gone so much further than I ever fathomed! It is tagged as a recovery website, although I have written about so many other things than just drugs and alcohol on and in here because recovery is not just the abstinence of them both and I am not just addicted to them both…
This post will not have words that rhyme. It will not be pre-written and red-lined. I am typing this as it comes to my hand from my head and my heart!
I am 41 years old. My whole entire life, up until, and including today, has been lived reacting only, not living. I have simply just reacted to the reactions of my decisions, both good and bad.
Early on in recovery, it was hard to diagnose me, mentally, because the drugs were always in my system. The psychotropics that they were prescribing me were dependent upon my old ways of life and living.
Lets back it up or rewind for a second, and for a few decades….
I am a people pleaser! I always have been. It started at a very young age, because to do so, to please those around me, would make them think and or question me and my problems, less if at all, if they themselves were happy.
I only mention this because the title of this post is Decisions! I am, we are, free to make whatever decision that we so freely choose, wrong, right, or indifferent. What we are not free from is the repercussions of or from those decisions! Because of the way I have lived until recovery at the age of 38, I am a fucking horrible decision maker! That means, I still suffer, and a lot!
Being in recovery and abstinent from that lifestyle does not mean I automatically know how to make good decisions! I am almost three years in and I am still making and paying for bad decisions made after my recovery start date!
Back up to early recovery once again. I had an immeasurable amount of unconditional positive regard and support! Day after day, that shit dropped off, and FAST! It could be the result of too many things to list, but, it’s absence is was and is detrimental, not only in my decision making but its effects on me and those that surround me.
In active addiction, there were only two rules, Don’t die, and don’t get caught! I ran and escaped all consequences that did not involve those two rules for my entire life until the age of 38. In recovery, there are so many fucking rules! After so much clean time, EVERYONE just expects that I know these consequences and or rules! The support drops off, I make one or two life-changing decisions with the hopes that the same amount of support and unconditional positive regard will remain, and it does not! PANIC! What to do when those I have turned to are all the sudden, GONE! Judgments begin, hatred! Negative consequences for decisions that at one time, were positive life choices, become over-bearing! Voicemails become the only ones that I hear and talk to. One or two respond with excuses that seem so absurd to hear from “family”. Lost and confused! Material possessions seem to be more important to them than I!
Chaos theory comes to mind! Even the small decisions carry with them some heavy weight! What to do, where to go, what’s my next mov to simply survive??!!! Where are those that once were????? Have my decisions caused them to make decisions? The law of dichotomy!?
I’ma go and end this post because I have a lot of decisions to make and no one to bounce them off of. So, I have a lot of repercussions to calculate and consider!
I just want to say, that anyone who reaches out to me will never have to worry about judgments or my support dying off! I am in this for the long haul! and I am seeing that a lot of those that were there for me in the beginning, have no place in my present, let alone the end!
We all have decisions to make that affect those around us, those that surround us, including ourselves! I am going to start making decisions that affect me and my well being, first and foremost from now on!
I’m listening to “Calm Like A Bomb” by Rage Against The Machine on Pandora.
I can’t find any antiseptic for this anapestic style I have found and the thought provoking mental chains continue, to keep me bound.
Born and bred to be a fighter, to yearn to breathe the open air, made it hard to see, let alone believe, that freedom wasn’t in the fight, but in the surrender. Some things had to be revered, while others are forced to be severed.
What is more important, revelation or reason? I had to realize that freedom wasn’t free when the cost that was paid, was treason.
3-4am, the hour in witch time stands still and nightmares become reality. Insanity, subconsciously chosen, will always cause time to remain frozen~absence of movement…
I always looked at my mind as a fortress, but never realized, how, at times, it’s just a cage! Brain~Mind~Imagination~What’s more important, reason or revelation? Is sanity a mere superstition? A myth, as is religion? Observing my observations, this “Harmonious Punk”, knows no moderation!
My mind is screaming! My imagination and demons are calling. One more step and over the edge I will be falling…
Don’t judge me because I don’t think as you do! This post, I will finish later, To Be Continued…
Stay up. Stay Human too!
#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought
The voices, they have returned and so has the difference between what is imagined and what is real become impossible to Discern, for them, the voices are thought thieves continually confusing me, making it hard to choose what to believe.
Pressured speech makes an explanation of this just outside of my reach.
!~Relief~OtherWise Known as~Disbelief~!
Frenzied thoughts that are hard to think~Suddenly catatonic and can’t even blink…
1,2,3,4~4,3,2,1~Trapped inside of my mind with no where to run…
I’ve become jaded and my reality has faded…
Stay up. Stay Human.
#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought