it ain’t easy being me…

Good morning out there! It’s back, Monday! My favorite day of the week! This post, “it ain’t easy being me”, isn’t just about being me, Jay Blackwell. It’s for everyone out there that struggles, no matter what the struggle is. “Me” in the title, is a general sort of me. So, thank you in advance for reading the ramblings of a man that is just trying to find his way through this thing we call “life”. Get in where you fit in as this post will have several different chapters if you will and it’s also a work in progress or the beginnings of something much bigger…

“my name is might have been”

I shouldn’t be alive. I overdosed on heroin, died, and had to be brought back to life, six fucking times. Life has lost it’s lustre to me. Read that again, as it means more to me than what is, at first seen. Lustre, by definition means, “a glow of reflected light: sheen” or, “a glow of light from within: luminosity”.

My environment is far from sterile, but one I have allowed myself to live in. Here I am, sick with infection, and in need of some redemption. If it weren’t for lewd and lascivious acts, would one even participate in the art of brutally honest self-reflection? Go ahead and answer that, as it wasn’t rhetorical, you know, the question…

I started writing on paper without any lines as they tend to be restrictive and force me, they keep me confined. Pressured speech makes what I really wanna say seem so out of reach…

I wish I may, I wish I might….

Someone please, tell me who to believe. In my head, there is a constant fight and it’s one I cannot win. So, I’m constantly choosing to take flight…

Allowances are different than choices one has to pick and choose. What to do, what to do, when my allowances are the very things that are causing me to lose. I feel like I’m always doing only what I am “allowed” to do instead of what I NEED to do…

My mask is a mirror and my senses just became crossed. Sitting here, in tears, and preparring for another loss…

I’m busy hittin nails with a hammer made out of clay; I’m an addict and my name is Jay…

“Hard Thoughts”

It only takes seventeen seconds for the hard thoughts to gain control, as they are fucking relentless! I’m now playing marbles with the stars and the Moon is my shooter. I didn’t come this far to only come this far, but what am I to do, shoot her?!

In my head, inside of my mind…..why am I screaming?!?! Because no one listens to me when I talk. My dreams, my reality, lay there on the ground, reduced to an outline made from chalk…

I think I’ll just plead the fifth, because I get nowhere when I plead the first. I need a ride today. Do you think Uber will send me a hearse?!

“Bits and Pieces”

My insides feel like bits and pieces, and, as hard as I try, I cannot find peace with this. Please stop asking me the same thing again and again and again and again. It’s never been there and I’m beginning to see it will never be, Reciprocity between me and society…

The lines I have drawn were not made out of hate.

The subjective worldly views of others make it hard to breathe. I feel smothered. When will I ever just be RECOVERED?!

I feel happy and sad all the time and at the same time. I find bits and pieces of comfort from being alone. NO! I don’t have an attitude! I just fucking told you, I find happiness in solitude! It’s the only place chaos and confrontation can be systematically dismantled. I am sorry if just seeing my mental illnesses is more than you can handle…

Is this a story or a song? Is one more right and the other more wrong?!

To get up and go outside will surely encompass some sort of fight. I have no conflict resolution anymore, so, I’ll just stay inside and hide from the daylight while I wave a flag that is white. Why are the days so long and the nights so short? I feel like I am trying to eat soup with a fork!

There are times I stayed when I should have left and times I left when I should have stayed…

“Emotional Advantage”

I have never been privileged.

Again, this is a work in progress. I have been sitting on these words for a little over a month and today felt like the time to share them. Something was calling to them today.

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Mystical Mindfulness…

the attempts have been many, but feeble at best, to put the voices in my head to rest…

when the beat drops, my thoughts, they jump, skip, and hop, and then it happens; I hear that POP! I must allow myself to become who I was always meant. The moment of clarity comes, amidst all of this madness and chaos.

invasion of privacy! I know, I know, I let you in, this I can clearly see. “plurality of forms” and you are now storming the norms…

if you must see to believe, then, by all means, look at me…

if you don’t feed my brain or comfort my heart, you are then in turn, starving my Soul. This only weakens me and makes it harder to regain control, to give you what you say I owe…

the beat just dropped and caused the needle to skip. forced speech and pressured thoughts that have turnt to malevolence. my reality is now surrounded by your fence…

I have done nothing to earn your suspicion, yet here I am, under the constant thumb of attrition. the record just skipped. I think it needs flipped…

now that we’re listening to “B” side tracs, you suddenly think you’re from my side of the trax! after reading this, I will have to endure more of your vitriolic attacks. lest you forget, hatred has no home here, my love, my dear!

it is now with malice in my heart I am forced to go and make a start. the phone rings and the problems begin. how is it that taking a loss, can at times, feel like a win?

the beat is now unable to drop as it skips, as it skips, as it skips…think about this, I wouldn’t wanna live in a world without doubt…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

PalinDrome Post 0202-2020!

Good morning out there and welcome to the great palindome date of, 0202/2020!

Many of you out there may be wondering what is so different, special, and or great about the date. Wipe that sleep from out your eyes! Surprise, surprise! The numbers are the same forwards as they are backwards. So, we about to have some fun with not just numbers, but also with words, as it’s been something like 900 years since, in the date, this has occurred!

I first learned of the word, palindrome, while I was reading when I was incarcerated as a young lad. It was one of those things I learned and also thought was very interesting and thought perplexing, but I quickly brain dumped it due to the lack of its useful use.

Here is a little on what I found about this vernacular phenomenon, brought to you by, ThoughtCo., and written by, Kim Bussing, 08-29-18 on, The History Of Palindromes. “Palindrome derives from the Greek word palindromos, meaning ‘running back again’. However, the use of palindromes was not exclusive to the Greeks. Since at least 79 AD, palindromes appeared in Latin, Hebrew, and Sanskrit.

“Lewd did I live, Evil did I dwell”, John Taylor, English poet.

“With palindromes, the same rules of punctuation, capitalization, and spacing don’t apply. For example, the word “Hannah” is a palindrome, even though both H’s aren’t capitalized. And what about words that spell another word backwards, like “live” becoming “evil’? That’s called a semordnilap, which happens to be itself a semordnilap of palindrome”.

Thanks to Kim Bussing and ThoughtCo. for the very useful and interesting information. What an interesting word, palindrome, which is so simple yet complex, it contains a palindrome in it’s definition!

Have fun with this today!

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought

bourgeois blue collar, part one…

transgressions, aggression, oppression’s! ate up, born with no thumbs! public educated, how could i be so dumb? caught up on the fast side of slow, and afraid, that if i don’t lose it, my mind, it will surely blow…

i’ve named it bourgeois blue collar, but, i’ve always only associated it with black leather, long greasy hair, dirty levi’s, and shovel-head exhaust! it was always paid though, no matter the cost…

a shot, a fist full of pills, 17 old style’s, and a joint rolled tight, is what it took to make it through another night, another bottle, and another painful fight. inside! inside that place you cannot get your money back for your soul. especially when you lose your mind. the screams! the yells! but, oh the smells!

it was sexy, the way it all perplexed me. it was then that i realized that i had been built and not bought, especially when it came to my thoughts…

the sleepless knights! the broken bones! the fat lips! the excuses for this! the black eyes looking up at the blue full moon, bourgeois blue…

i guess it was true, the collar of the bourgeois is really black before it turns blue. waking up on christmas morning, seeing nothing but my icy cold breathe and then, just like that, you’re gone, a ghost. whose heart was it here that mattered the most?

what if i can’t this time, run home slow? what if i can’t remember where it is i am supposed to go? stay tuned…

stay up; stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

user-friendly

good morning out there! I’ma jump right in the fire here. don’t believe everything you see and hear. my words, though they come from a place of experience and are bonded with trauma and are written crystal clear, won’t mean shit if read by an unreliable narrator.

here we go, in an attempt together, to become more user-friendly~take my hand and come with me…

this morning though, I’ma attempt to explain how my thoughts come real quick, but they go real slow. jumps, skips, and hops! changing every time that beat drops!

they just jumped from real fast to real slow. I just went from sleeping on them and snoring, to extra-ordinary. so, at the least, I can promise, what’s to follow, will not be boring!

it’s at times like these, when my thoughts are interesting and not racing, when I can control being an asshole. no pressured speech and everything I want is, well, within reach!

~!user-friendly!~

while, at first, my thoughts they jumped like a jack-rabbit, have now skipped and start to claw real slow like a cat at it without any regards to damage control.

my Soul needs to give my mind a hug, but it’s too busy repairing my broken heart. I’ll attempt to explain this, but it is the hardest part. hold on, wait a minute, lemme put some pimping in it! ok, now I’m ready to start. back to my Soul not being able to repair my broken heart, it’s not that it won’t, because it’s ready to start. it’s that it CAN’T! nothing can. not even god’s own hands. and that’s ok, because I’ma prove to you that broken hearts can still love!

now, my thoughts just HOPPED as the god damn beat just ddrrrroopped!

!KABOOM!

they shook the whole fucken room. my thoughts are, from the cat’s paw’s, clawed apart, and now left to my imagination. this mother-fucking broken heart has wrenched my self-determination. collateral damage now becomes imminent and everything is wild, racing, out of reach, and out of fucking control!!!

fuck it! gimme them dice! I want another roll and I need a pair of three’s to become more user-friendly!

oh shit! I crapped out~don’t take this too lightly, but don’t internalize everything you just heard and saw. go read some words from someone with more clout. I’m about to tear this fucking room apart! racing thoughts! broken heart!

I wish I would cycle already. these thoughts are fast-acting and now, my Soul is fasting…

stay up; stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Trampled Under Soul…

I heard in a song once, a singer sing, “Anger is a gift”…

L, I, T, T, L, E Jay! Now I’m the one singing and it’s time to hear what it is that I have to say…

Today started out as both day one, and, One Day. Such a strain. I’m the outsider in society, as well as in my brain…

I’ve let go so many times, that, control, I fear I will never regain!

Allowing you to look into my eyes does not mean I wanted you to Trample on my Soul…

It is with these two weak and weary hands, I carry both love and hatred, feeding the beast, chasing Demons around, and fueling my Soul…

You’re right, we are nothing alike. My feelings and emotions, I KNOW longer feel the need to hide. I’m grown; I speak my mind. “Are you kind”?

Lookin up from under Society’s shoe, while you judge me for not living my life the way you do~Trampled Under Soul~I fucked up and gave you control~Threading the needle of Life at 3 am and under the Moon Light!

I close my eyes and count to ten, and hope this is all over with when I open them, only to have to re-live this nightmare again, and again, and again, again. 10 turns to 20, 20 turns to 40, when does this madness al end?

You want me to look at you and say, “everything’s gonna be ok”, but all that comes out is, “I’m an addict and my name is Jay”…

It’s a wonder we still smile with all of these tears in our eyes, surprise, surprise…

I have a Gypsy Soul but I’m not tryna live that Gypsy Life. I’m slowy learning what it means to stay and fight!

~Trampled Under Soul~

Upside down in a right side up world and thinking about jumping…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Anti-Thesis

I done did it! I found a better way to skin the cat! And I did so in my new hat! I refuse to jump on another bandwagon. Please remember, you can take a man out of the hood, but, you’ll never get the hood out of this man!

How does one love the diseased? The fuck if I know! How am I supposed to love being this diseased?! Wired wrong! Runnin around without any pants! Same song, new dance! The Michigan City Madd Ants!!!

Some of you will read what I write and having been there yourselves, will see I am right. Whilst others will pour salt into my wounds or stab another knife in my back with their vitriolic attacks!

Too far gone! I finally found where it is that I belong!

There ain’t no cure for Suicide! Untruth is a condition of Life! Once you’re dead, you’re gone-there is no coming back to this Life once you’ve died~When Worlds Collide~Humbled By Another’s Pride! I’m no longer tripping over my own feet as they have finally found their own stride!

I am what happens after the disaster! I am what happens when a dead man makes a new plan. The Duality of man!

“All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil”…Robert Louis Stevenson

Stay up; Stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The Good Things…

It’s cloudy outside; the Sun hides her pretty face. The air is cold, thin, and calm. The snow is done drifting and has taken the shape of its final form…

It’s quite the opposite inside my home. Inside of my mind there is a storm. Prejudicated complications! I’ve got it in my mind, before it even begins, to complicate things. I overthink and because of that, I have a hard time seeing things for what they truly are in their simplest form. Storming the Norms!!!

I hate it! How I complicate it! That warm and fuzzy makes me dizzy and confused! I feel like I’ve been used! I feel guilty for being hungry! These learned feelings are hard to change. So, for now, I’ll just re-arrange a few things…

I guess the biggest problem I have, is not fully understanding the how and why behind why I do these things. It seems simple minded to just change and, without knowing the how and why, it makes it harder for me to know how to change…

It’s like, how does one fix a car without troubleshooting it first? Well, I literally just sat back and thought about this last sentence for about twenty minutes and here is what I came up with…

If an alternator goes out on a car, I just change it. I do not need to know how or why it broke before I will change it, I just change it. I think it’s similar with me not knowing how to accept The Good Things?!

Progress! I think I will end this post with this, I hope these words have helped you, whoever is reading this, as much as they have helped me to write them!

Stay up; Stay human too.

#builtnotbought