Disposable City

I’m sitting here, in Hell. It’s right next to where Heaven ends. It’s that place where you can’t break time, because, here, it bends! What is it about this place you think you know? Is it not your “Own Private Idaho”?

Surrounded by this invisibility of whiteness. I’m not sure how much longer I can sit here, submerged in this, and bear wittness!

The smell of garbage is all over the place; it’s not just what’s right in front of my face. Putrid bodily fluids.

Dysphoria isn’t my only phobia, but it is my biggest! I am only my strongest when I welcome my weakness.

It ain’t like I’ve never lost before, but my only friends in this town are antidepressants and warm cans of Coors.

Feelings that are manifested~blurred lines~the only loyalties there are, are constantly being tested…

I live with a terrorist! Her name is O’drama bin Laden!

I was born in the killing fields, but I’ve lived all over this world. Thrust of independence and “Love” is my Achilles Heel…

This place though, this Disposable City! Nothing is real, everyone is raw, and my teeth I keep gritting!

It’s a land full of unrealistic expectations only to be explained by superficial explanations!

False facades everywhere I lookand she wonders why my face is always in this book! I couldn’t steal my own happiness even if I was still a crook…

But, I do what I do, go to bed, wake up, and take another look!

—>Repetitious Exhibitions!<—

Constant deadlines for nothing, really. False hopes and long dreams dangling from short ropes. My only wish is that I don’t become the product of mediocrity produced by this “Disposable City”!

Stay up. Stay Human!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The Same Kind of Different

Just yesterday, it was Summer. I woke up this morning and it was freezing again. Have I become, nothing more than the product of my own ignorance? How soon is now to take a stand or maybe, just change my stance?

~Same Kind of Different~

I find myself walking down the street instead of the alley, chewing on two sticks of BlackJack with my black backpack tight against my back~headed to somewhere I am unsure of when they keep telling me the only place I’m headed is back to where I’ve come and to stop tryna become something in which I know nothing of~Legit! I pick up my pace, lickity-split, walking faster now tryna outrun another slit-wrist!

~Same Kind of Different~

I’m getting mine, even if it means I’m taking yours. Time to settle up and even the score. I long for company, but that in which I find, only seems to love misery. These pills ain’t working no more!My doctor got me, once again, feeling as privileged as a whore! The voices in my head, they join together as it starts to begin, the symphony!

~Same Kind of Different~

I find myself driving now, but this shit box car, I had to steal! Nerves of steel it takes to keep a hold of this wobbly wheel!

~Same Kind of Different~

Everyday is the same, in some type of way, DIFFERENT! I find myself experiencing, in some variance of degree, The Same Kind of Different as I take another drink of My Potable Life…

Stay up. Stay Human too though…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Potable Life!

I am going to start out by saying, “I hate you all”

Depths. Depravity. Depths of depravity. I, you and me. Very few will understand and even fewer possess the capability to see the varying degrees of dysfunction that occur, everyday, among each and every one of us! Into the beach-less Sea of Fears I am once again, thrust…

Surrounded by conspiracies, what the fuck am I supposed think, let alone see?! Panic now! No time to clearly think when my existence is consumed with depression only to be swallowed by anxiety…

Blackwell! Your words are so negative and dark! Yeah?! Well, fuck you too because if you think it is scary to read my words, thoughts, and emotions, how scary do you even think it must be to feel them?!!!!

Do people only reach out as a cause of guilt????!!!!! Is not bottom on which their foundation was built? How can it have been any other place? If it was, in time, it will crumble, it will be erased…

Is there such a thing as one man with many minds? Or, a man with many minds, if you will? Truth! I know, it’s a hard little pill!

I cannot help but wonder, what is life like inside of the clock? Are there better reflections of my perceptions? or, is it the same as talking to this rock?

Good company is seemingly impossible to find….

So, sit here I will, alone, and take another drink of my “Potable Life” and with each drink, become redefined

stay up stay human

#inthegrip #whiteknuckes #buitn0tb0ught

Touched By Death

I’ve been touched by death more times than any one man can bear, let alone stand. But, here I am, alone, left to hold the Devil’s hand…

Screaming at my demons that are clinging to my ceiling as I lay there, dead and dying, my lives begin multiplying…

My lips are filled with liquid and it’s neither blood, nor is it ink-it makes me wonder, it forces me to think! When will they allow the suffering to speak??!!

“Culture and unique life experiences wire the brain. A brain that has been raised with pain, poverty, and discrimination is very different from one raised in privilege”, Allen Ivey

Stay up. Stay human too!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

“Assumptions For Life”

Good morning out there. I’ve learned a lot during my time on this planet and still, I know very little. One of the things I’ve learned, I’ve learned the hard way, which is never to assume anything. My very first day in Interpersonal Communications class last week, My professor asked us to write these assumptions down as he said them aloud and from memory. I enjoyed them and their insight fullness so much that I thought I would share them with you all.

“Assumptions For Life”…

  1. assume a steady and ever-changing flow of friendships. Friendships come and go and that is appropriate. We have about seven deep relationships throughout the scope of our lives.
  2. Assume a chip free shoulder.
  3. Assume a halo for other people too.
  4. Assume a colorblind one-race mindset.
  5. Assume a solid even keel confidence. Nine compliments equal one criticism.
  6. Assume the Universe is leaning towards you.
  7. Assume that the round about way is often the right way.
  8. Assume that the journey is as fun as the arrival.
  9. Assume that happiness is a bi-product of another goal.
  10. Assume a bigger circle.
  11. Assume that pain is never permanent.
  12. Assume that life is as good as the choices you make.

I’m not even gonna add everything except that I thought these to be very insightfull and some go against everything I know to be true and real in my old realm of existence. Stretching today outside of my comfort zone! Stay up. Stay human too.

Photo credit, A. East

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The “DeathWalk” Pt.3

I’m gonna start at the end and let this story unfurl in reverse as it was truly meant to traverse…

On my “DeathWalk” home yesterday, the Devil held my hand. It wasn’t my safety he was concerned with as much as it was my Soul, for holding my hand, he was the one in control as he whispered to me, ” let us take it nice and slow”, and we crossed that bridge over troubled waters. As we did, I looked up one time and saw his black-winged angels of death hovering above me and each one had the face of every person I have ever hurt. There were so many that it darkened the mid-day sky. Funny thing, I wasn’t scared! There was this calmness or sense of relief about me I’ve felt before as this really wasn’t the first time I was about to lose my Soul…

The Devil held my hand.