Heavy Thoughts

“Sometimes I wonder who the Fuck I am”!

My life fell out of this pen in the form of a story. You read my words, but still, don’t know me! What do you expect when I’m “Illuminating My Own Intellect”

“What am I doing here”?

I’m tryna control the flames of the first five warning signs that I’m on a high just to fucking stay alive! But, control is a fallacy and addiction is self dependency…..

heavy thoughts in my head make it hard to pick it up off of the bed.

I look up and see the clouds are in layers. The high ones are steadfast. The ones below, they’re gone in a flash. I reached up to touch them, but my arm isn’t that long and just like that, they’re gone!

Life’s a bitch when you gotta live like this!

“What am I doing here”?

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

It’s A Good Day To Die

I been clean for years, having fun, and bumpin my gums…I knew this day would come! I thought I had it made and along came the Devil throwin shade…

He was too much to handle, even with all these pentagrams and candles!

I tried, I attempted to make a clear and present statement, but I should’ve known, he’d slam my face to the pavement…

I should’ve seen, my life was soaked in kerosene and with a good match…

My actions and the lack of a few things were the bad match…

What it do? What it won’t? All I can say is, live, I won’t..

What can I say? It’s not in my DNA!

I’m an addict and my name is Jay!

Along with the Devil, I go, because, to die, today is a good day…

Stay up. Stay human.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Emotionally Colorful!

I used to have a taste for anger and to fear, I was no stranger! Today, I can smell hope and it ain’t even at the end of a rope!

It’s been 2 years, 9 months, and 8 days since I’ve shot dope!

Back in those days, my eyes, skin, and Soul were gray…

Since the, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve lived a lot, succeeded and failed a lot. I blog a lot because I’ve got a lot to say…

First of all, I am an addict and my name is Jay. I no longer feel rejected and by saying I’m an addict, it helps me accept it. But, I must say it everyday…

Some days, I still feel gray, numb without drugs, like I’m caught in some type of matrix. There’s no way I can fake this, so, it must be real??!!!?? Others days, I feel as real as cold blue steel!

Everything, everyday has a different color and on each day, I must mull it over, and hopefully, it makes sense, you know, what I discover?!

Oh so colorful are these things we call emotions. They have the potential to change like the wind, so, to one, it’s no use to stay devoted.

Up, down, and inside-out, I’m still tryna figure this color chart out and why I feel what I feel and what it’s all about.

One color, one day, for one emotion can change the next. I’ve discovered that notion and accepted that conception…

And each color has a different shade that can alter by the day. It can change by what you hear, by what I say…

I have faith, yes, but not the transcendental kind. It’s a faith of or in my mind, for, as confusing as it may be at times, it’s the only kind not given, its the only type I can find that is MINE!

Just as the colors for emotions can change, so can the shade. #builtnotbought! MADE!

Emotins can change too and many times a day, for me, they do!

What do colors and emotions mean to you???!!!?!??!

oh yeah, some, because of my attempt to get in touch with my emotions, will say I’ not a man~Well then, up against the world, alone, I stand BRAVELY!

Saty up. Stay human

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Stealing Seconds…

I turnt my Life into a fight and quick too, like mother-fucking overnight!

I gotta get me some Act Right! It’s not fight or flight as much as it is the Fight of My Life!

I’m not sure if tomorrow’s ever gonna come. Last night, in The Witching Hour, when I woke up, I caught myself speaking in tongues!

Hard to tell what’s for real, when it’s seconds I’m always having to steal..

You don’t see what I see when I go to sleep. The Demons lay and wait at the end of my bed by my feet as I pull it over my head, the broken dreams of a sheet…

—–>Stole Seconds<—–

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, one by one, the seconds pass by on the clock. I reach up to steal some and I cannot blink. It’s not as easy as one might think. I have to give it all I got!

86,000 and 400 times a day I am forced to go through this. Anger is secondary, but it’s also a gift!

There’s no rain outside but there’s this Thunder in my head…

I do what they say and pray to God for peace. But, in doing that, I find no relief. “Your religion is funny because it’s all about the money and got me sick to my tummy”. It’s used to control you with fear, THE END IS NEAR! Back-door Baptists and Under-the-Desk-Catholics are precisely what the facts is!

Always a thief! Constantly stealing seconds got me feeling week. I’m tired, but I’m scared to close my eyes, to go to sleep…

—–>Stealing Seconds<—–

It’s not the apocalypse now, it’s more like the apocalypse somehow! How many seconds do I got? I forgot! I lost count! FUCK! What now?!!! I don’t wanna go to bed and start all over again!

Stay up. Stay Human too!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

“The Golden Mean”

When I awoke, I had four sharpened razor’s at the foot of my bed. When I looked up. I had two SwitchBlade Angels above my head. Then, there she was, laying next to me in my bed. The decision weighed, on which Demon was to be fed~Fight or Flight…

—–>The Golden Mean<—–

My time with the SwitchBlade Angels, is always well spent…

The four sharpened razor’s at the foot of my bed, were heaven sent…

The one laying next to me, well. she’s Hell bound and whiskey bent…

I must make a decision using the thing I think with, but my my is not as sharp as those razor’s, which were heaven sent…

—–>The Golden Mean<—–

I learned the hard way what that meant…

For many others before me, The Golden Mean, is the moral behavior between two extremes…

To master this, they say, makes one Virtuous. I took one look and thought, “How can I manipulate this”?!!!

I often think back to “The Perfect Blossom”…”T he Perfect Blossom is a rare thing you could spend your whole life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life” the last samurai

There’s a lot of letters grouped together to form a lot of words in this post. But, there are a few that stick out to me more than most…

Virtuous, “T he Perfect Blossom” and the title of this post.

I just took another pill and it’s time to thread the needle if you will…

It’s fight or flight in which I’ve learned to live my life~This is where I start to change the way I think, using only the thing I think with…

Holes to fill and mountains made from mole hills, have always been the task at hand as well as the lay of the land

~Flight or Fight!Death or Life~

I have systematically turned everything in my life into a life or death situation using residual, maladaptive, manipulative thinking. “My pain is self chosen” It’s time to tear this old man down in order to keep his ship from sinking…

Virtuous~it’s what lies in between the two extremes-excess and deficiency. The Golden Mean, is what’s for me. Ya know what I mean?

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The Good Life…

There are times when I need to, but it feels like I can.t even breath.

There are times when I need you, I long for your touch, but most days, I can’t stand it, it’s too much…

There are times when I laugh, but that ain’t from happiness,no. It’s because of the madness…

I’m not, sometimes, what you see. I stand here smiling, but have in fact gotten lost inside of the emptiness inside of me…

Some might say, “Jay, you live the good life”! Well, maybe, but in comparison it’s not really comparable to the real parable!

There still exists this beast, this monster, inside of me. It used to feed on my Soul, but today, it eats from a bowl. I’m constantly forced to be something or someone I’n not in order to give it all that I’ve got. Sometimes, I put different parts of me into that bowl, and, I’m left to fill this hole. Wandering! I’m just an outside and want to be left alone…

In times like these, WonderLust is a must!

Everyday I try and take back my life, but it ain’t easy. It’s a battle, it’s a fight!

It takes dedication. Oh yeah! Enter in medication, this fist full of pills! It’s nothing more than a crap shoot if you will!

I take what I have, what you gave, but most days they barely help keep me from my grave…

The grave, by definition, needs not to be defined, but allow me to redefine. The grave, it doesn’t have to be six feet deep. Sometimes, mine is when I’m on my own two feet. When I’m stumbling around on this emotional battleground. My SwitchBlade Angels nipping at my heels and whispering in my ear that fear is OK to feel…once again, I’m brOKen…

After stealing his thoughts, my own, yellow eyed, shadow I’m scared of because I’ve seen where he comes from…

Being this fucked up and emotionally scarred, I know, ain’t easy to see. So, everyday, I pretend to be what you want me to be, who it is you want to see…

~Cradled to The Grave~

~!The Good Life!~

Stay up. Stay human too. upside-down in a right side up world and i’m thinking about jumping!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Traveling Minds…

In thinking of worlds, inside of this one is cut-throat as Hell! Taking shade from the universal veil~nothing here is for sale…

The Sun, it peeks through the blinds and inside of my shadow I’m able to pull these transcendent thoughts from inside of his mind. No where else will you find anything close to thoughts of this kind!

~Travelling Minds~

I,ve got ghosts for eyes, and sometimes, the Devil is still in my ears. If not, he ain’t hard to find. I just ate the stolen thoughts from my shadows mind. my thinking is changing and quickly! I never thought I’d have thoughts of this caliber, of this kind. How long will this last? This monstrous thought blast. It hurts to think! I look over at my shadow and with one yellow eye, he smiles and winks!!!

Every-time I blink, I see a different color and my blood, it feels like it’s beginning to boil! As hard as I try, this attack, I cannot foil…

Thoughts are shifting. I see in shapes and I can smell color. my mind has become benumbed, but this is starting to get fun. I get up and off of the pew; I can’t walk nor run. I can barely stand. I look down and they’re melting, my hands.

The ghosts have left my eyes as I know have kaleidoscope vision. It’s starting to get really intense, again”’

I wish I had something to distract me when…I remember, I did this. I don’t need to be caught. I deserve these thoughts!!!

~Traveling Minds~

My whole body just went numb! When will this stop? When will this go away? I am a little scared, but not afraid…

All of the sudden, I see someone staring at my shadow and if he only knew he’d be running. From the looks of this man, what he’s about to steal, he can’t stomach or stand!

He pounces, just like a cat, and 1, 2, 3, just like that he’s got it and on the floor flat on his back! I can hear him wimper, “this isn’t what I wanted! I didn’t even pay for this! It wasn’t even bought! Who in their right mind could have such thoughts”!

Be careful stealing someone else thoughts. You never know what a smile is hiding or what a false facade a blank stare can be…

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

9 and One-Half Minutes in The Mirror…

Darkness! When the clock started ticking this time, again, it wasn’t no fun. It was 3:08 am when the madness begun…

The room was dimly lit, but when I looked into that framed piece of glass on the wall, I saw nothing at all. I was staring into a deep dark Abyss!

I should have known, that’s where they all go. It makes sense to me only because I’ve witnessed their mass exodus and never before, their entrance.

It was about 2 minutes in when it all started to begin. The color didn’t change upon my gaze, but I started to see the movement of various sizes and shapes…

The room grew cold and this wasn’t the norm as, on the glass my breath began to form…

About 4 minutes in, the first ones appeared. They flew right past my head, just missing my ear. They were witches, I could tell by their laughs. They fed off of my fear…

About 5 minutes in, I noticed the smell. This mirror on the wall had to be the gateway to Hell!

At 6 minutes, I noticed ripples in the mirror. My thoughts were uncertain and what was next, unclear…

Sweating now and full of fear, one by one, they began to appear. Demons, goblins, ghosts, spirits, and ogres. I thought to myself, “I’ve finnaly done gone and lost it”! Wait! Was that a skeleton? I thought I had them locked in the closet! Then I remembered, my closet doesn’t have any doors, how about yours?

8 minutes in and I’m not sure I can take much more of this smell, these demons, and the gore…

9 minutes in and my legs go numb as my back begins to spasm. Am I really seeing all of this, or did I just imagine them?

In the Witching Hour, once again, I fell under a spell that caused my brain to spam. These things weren’t real, they just came out of a thought chasm!

In active addiction, I avoided looking directly into a mirror. I couldn’t stand what I was, what I’d become. Today, almost three years free from the chains of addiction, my mind still does crazy things if I stare into the mirror for too long…Stay up. Stay human too though.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Chasing Tides

There’s a point to this story so, I’m gonna go ahead and tell it again. Make sure you read it all the way to the end!

When I laid down, it was abnormal last night, for the Sand Man, I didn’t have to fight. He threw is dust as he knew, for me, sleep was a must!

It was what happened while I slept though, when I got into the bed. To go through it all over, was something I hoped I’d never have to go through again…

What I experienced felt so real, for, I never thought, my dreams are what my drug use could ever really steal…

This is when shit got real…

When I came too, there was blood on the floor and I remember thinking, “What did I do this for”?

I was in the back of a truck bed, I think it was a Ford, and I was just a few short breathes away from being DEAD!

I stumbled out of the truck bed, but I could hardly stand on my own two feet. As I staggered, I couldn’t help but recognize the name of the street.

I wiped the sweat from my brow with my blue bandanna and realized I was on 23rd and Broadway in Gary Indiana!

As I made my way to the side-view mirror, I saw that I had ghosts for eyes and the devil was in my ear…

My first instinct was to run as I reached for my gun, I remember thinking, once again, this ain’t gonna be fun!

I made my way over to the gas station as I had formulated a plan. I took the cash from his hand as I shot him in the head and turnt him into a shell of a man…

When I awoke, I was running as fast as I can straight to the dope man to give him all that I had…

Using dreams are real. REALLY FUCKING REAL! I still have them and when I wake up, I feel the same guilt I did from back when I was using. Sometimes, I have even felt high. Scary shit. Drugs will take everythinf from me, even my dreams…

Stay up. Stay human too

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Ramblings of an Addict at 3 AM, Again…

Dealing with some demons that I can’t get control of.

Eclectic thoughts explicitly thought. #builtnotbought and I will not be SOULD! All that shines ain’t gold and “if the horse won’t pull you gotta carry the load”.

Some of the things I’m living for are some of the same things I’m dying from and I spend way too much time wondering how come…

Not sure what it takes to win when them same mistakes I’m making again…

Statistics said I shouldn’t have made it. Well, watch as them same numbers, I’ma break it!

Proceed With Caution to avoid the brainwashing! And think while it’s still free!

I changed my perception; took a turn down the wrong road and it ended up being the right direction! Falling apart or coming together? Tryna fight these feelings is like tryna change the weather!

Even without drugs and alcohol, I still live my life in a fucked up haze most days…

People are talking to me but, I ain’t hearing nothing. Them voices in my head just keep on coming.

~Depression~aggression~Oppression~

Fuck it! Whats another anti-depressant