Compromised Pride

It’s 1:19 am and the ability to sleep escapes me, yet again. I used to become frustrated when this would happen, but, anymore, to me, being frustrated is so over-rated! My mind though, it feels like shredded cheese. Like it has been grated, ReduCed! And each one of these million thoughts, these smaller chunks of cheese, are what is being produced, they are what is used…

When this happens, my thoughts begin clappin, and one by one, they all get in line with time. Reasons and Rhymes! A gateway through time, a new Hole in The Sky…

Sleepless nights! God Dammit! Schizophrenic! Time to panic! Paranoia has begun to take control of my Soul, and I let it. I allowed it! I bowed down to it! It’s the one way I’ve found, that helps me get through it! I must though, not allow myself to get too used to it…

Point Break! The point of no return, of no escape! I can’t take it back, it’s over with, it’s too late! Compromised Pride, yet again and on another sleepless night. There’ll be plenty of time to mourn me in the morning, but right now, in my mind, I’ve already entered the ring and am preparing for a brutal and bloody fight…

BeetleJuice, BeetleJuice, BeetleJuice! and just like that, My Demons have been let loose!

I pick up the cold, blue, steel. It’s not a gun, nor is it a knife. It’s heavier than a nine pound sledgehammer. It’s my pen and it’s saving my fucking LIFE!

These words I write, to some, they may not be right, and to others, they may not be nice. Well, I ain’t tryna be all pretty and nice, no! I’m trying to live through another fucking night!!!!!!

I entered the ring, and did so, willingly. But, I know I cannot win this fight. I just have nothing better to do…

I’ve just been hit, but it wasn’t a knock out blow though. Even still, my vision has been left blurred! They are starting to fall off the lines, my words!

I fire back with a combo, a trio of quick, sharp, jabs. My Demons are getting weak in the knees, but they are also fucking mad! Time to dance. Move Around!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just ended, the round, and a new one has already begun. Time to square up as there is no more room to run. The bell rings. I can’t see straight and all my ears do is ring!

Oh no! I don’t do Coke or shoot Dope no more. Here, take my coat and hang it on the hook on the back of the door…

Ding! Ding! Ding! Round three and I can’t see and I’m weak in the knees!

I spit my mouthpiece out and I’m ready, if I have to, to bite this Bitch, but not in half though, no. And, POW!, just like that, it’s over with. My Mind gets The Slows!

Aw FUCK! The demons are on a killing spree again! There’s no time for rejection. I must accept this. I’m now hotter than an infection! Who else wants to die tonight with me?! I’m fucking SICK! Why can’t you see this!

“To be human is to have more than a moment of genius. The genius are often insane, and the insane are often genius” Duality of Life!

Stay up; Stay human too….

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

*Dog Talk*

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3…Can You Fucking Hear Me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

She said, “why are you up so early”? And I thought, “why are you sleeping so late”???!!!

Y’all thought I was gone, well, I’m back! Little Jay, the addict Y’all love to hate! Keep runnin your mouth and we gonna end up cellmates!!!

It’s 202, the year of the Witch and I’m not sure what it is, this year, I will get. I have no fucken way, for this to predict! I’m pretty sure good or bad, I’ll end up with what I deserve. I’ll settle for getting what I get…

I wish though, I could trade all of this pain in for a new set of wings, so when it all gets to be too much, I could fly away from all of this suffering. But, I know that’ll never happen. So, I’ll stay right here with this pen and paper and at this desk as I attempt to get this shit off my chest!

Sometimes, I can’t see it at the end of the tunnel, the light, and other times, it’s so fucking bright!

I can see clearer than I ever have. Schizophrenic! Which one is my better half? It’s no surprise my mind is so fucked up inside!

Is this fairy tale really real? I fight so hard to be a real man, the whole time, holding my death in my own hands…

Anyways, thanks for listening. That’s happiness in my eyes, not tears, thats got them glistening~it’s music to my ears!

Nothing is ever the same being this insane, except for constant change. I can smell fear, but I can taste hope, and it’s no longer at the end of a rope…

Electric currents in my head that flow to my hand, writing words for those that wish to throw it all away and REVOLT! Using nothing but this lightning bolt!

That’s Dog Talk baby! Watch as I raise my Leg!

Stay up; Stay human too though…

#builtnotbought #whiteknuckles #inthegrip

An Acquired Taste…

Insanity is defined by Merriam-Webster as , (noun), “a severely discorded state of mind usually occuring as a specific disorder”. I’ve also heard it defined as, “repeating the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result”.

Frustration that was once a passion that has turned to anger, which is secondary to fear, is obscurring my vision. It is manipulating my ability to think outside the box, clearly…

I, as an addict, am naturally good at justifying things I do. It’s a blessing and a curse, a crutch if you will, that allows me to stand on shaky ground and with wounded knees. In 12-step groups for addiction, they use the word and the definition of Insanity to symbolize the addicts inability to function as a productive member of society while continuing their drug use and lifestyle choices. While this ma be true, in its simplest form, yet obvious reasons, it is just that, Simple. In doing this, one attaches a negative relation to the word Insanity, especially its definition. It is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy that plants the seed of doubt in ones mind that we, (I), will use against everything we, (I), do, whether it be something positive or negative in that, if we must repeatedly attempt something, but are failing, we must be insane and whatever we were attempting is bad, and therefore, extinguish any further attempts at said goal or achievement only to then cloud an already storming mind even more!

For me, this causes the sense I rely on for survival to cross. It makes it nearly impossible to determine if what I am attempting is good or bad, or, even worth it. Am I fucking Insane? It justifies walking away. Battling this has required a depth of mind I previously thought to be impossible to find!

Blurred realities as Insanity is an acquired taste!

Stay up; Stay human too…

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The Slows!

Maybe you do, then again, maybe you don’t. “What’s that Blackwell”? Oh! You know, know what it’s like to have The Slows!

It’s weird. It’s like a strange metamorphosis. I’m not sure if I will be able to, but, I’ll dedicate this post to try and explain this…

I have no clue what Life is like being you, but for me, most of the times, Life is a Bitch having to smile when all I wanna do is SCREAM because I’m an addict! Then, there’s the times when all I wanna do is run because my mind, body, and Soul have been overrun with rage because I’m simply not able to keep my demons in their cage! Or, is it that one of me left their door open…

Chemically deriven feelings from these pills my Doctor prescribes me got me wondering what it might be like to peel off my face and stick it to the ceiling!

So, The Slows, huh? My mind has two switches, two speeds, fast and faster than light speed. It’s as if, at times, I’m thinking tomorrows thoughts, yesterday. I feel like when this happens, I’m only talking to myself, but can”t understand just exactly what it is I am trying to say…

When it gets this fast, it’s not just my thoughts I’m thinking or my eyes that are blinking, no, everything gets affected. My blood starts to feel like poison, like somehow it has become infected. I begin to have the urge to be cut so I can then be bled, but the last time I did this, no blood escaped, no. For it was only my Soul that fled…

I sit, be still, and try to breathe Blackwell as I look down at the incision that is now the hole from where it escaped, my Soul. “Blackwell, I don’t understand, you’re not making sense”! Sit till and keep reading Darlin and allow me to reiterate.

I look into the mirror, only to see 66 me’s staring back at me and all I can think is, which one, for me, today, is the right me for me?

~The Slows!~

My heart becomes swollen and my eyes begin rolling, and then, it explodes, my heart, and just in time to become hardened. My eyes return and I look around, only to find myself in a garden, but all the flowers are dead and black…

Back to The Slows though…when this happens, it’s impossible to remain in control. Shit, I don’t even have a Soul! My speed setting switch is stuck in the middle somewhere in the in-between and I have no idea who or what is responsible…

It”s not just speed settings that get stuck either. My thought process is reduced to a crawl. My SwitchBlade Angels become stuck in a frozen moment in time and there is nothing I can do to please her. I’m thinking todays thoughts, NOW and they all want to brawl!

It”S not even an option, to blow my brains all over the wall to then sort it all out. I lost my gun and now, I”m stuck with what remains before it has even begun…

Things suddenly slow wayyyyy thheeee fffuuuccckkkk DOOOWWWNNNNNN! I can’t understand what anyone is saying, but, I can see everything and it has all started breathing!

My thoughts become simple, stripped down, and contain a bareness as I suddenly have a heightened sense of awareness!

~The Slows!~

Movements, though physically feel fluid and smooth, are now jagged with over-lapping frames and underlying meanings that are becoming easier to define as I now have more time…

Whatever shall I do?! Each minute, each second that passes, I feel a stranger stronger Deja-Vu~

I see new horizons, but I feel as though I have been here before…

The one and only me I see as I stare into the mirror is not the only one in my head, thinking all of these thoughts mentally. It’s with one set of eyes through which I see, but, I’m hearing hundreds of voices in my head screaming and only a couple that are speaking, indiscriminately…

Perceptions with a richness, a new depth. No, no, not a low though. I can see my thoughts escaping with each and every breath…

Dum-Ditty Dum Dum! Maybe I took too much Lithium. Then again, maybe I didn’t take enough? The edges are smooth where they used to be rough. Maybe, I took the right amount; maybe this was enough?! Or, was is this all from that obscure elixir?!

~The Slows!~

They begin, my thoughts, to pick-up speed. My hand feels like it can write faster than my eyes can read! I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to dig a new hole to through my Soul in. My thoughts cannot be the excavators this time. Hit record! No, press play! No, wait, hit rewind!!! The witching hour, 3:07am. Gonna wait until Four O’Clock to go back to sleep so I can wake up and begin all over again!

~The Slows!~

They are what bridges the gap…

Stay up; Stay human too though…

#Builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Degree’s

in fight or flight, a false dichotomy has been given to me. but first, i wish to speak about the Degree’s-

please, oh please, bear with me as i haven’t spoke let alone written in weeks, and i must get this out of me…

as i see it, as i live it, and as i feel it, emotions are like colors. there isn’t just one shade or degree of either. let us take for example, love. it is easy for me to say that i love pizza and let’s just use the color red to attach to it because it is the color most commonly associated with love.

i’ve lived all over this country, and everywhere i have lived, i have also eaten pizza. but, i am from Chicago and no other pizza compares to Chicago pizza. i still ate it though, in fact, it is safe to say that i loved every bite. this “love” though, when eating a slice of pizza that wasn’t as close to being as good as Chicago pizza, even though i’d say it was still red, it wasn’t the same shade or degree as the red i felt from that good ole Chicago pizza. it wasn’t that deep, rich, red, no. it was faintly red, a pink almost and contained in itself a lower degree or temperature…

again, please bear with me, as this post is not about pizza, it’s about the Degree’s required for survival…

the human body can only survive between certain Degree’s. if we get too hot, we die. if we get too cold, we die. every single thing we get, give, consume, experience, share, project, or imagine has its own degree, color shade, and or temperature just as with something as simple as pizza does and inside of each and every one of us, there exists a thermometer which holds our core temperature. too much of something hot, we die. too much of something cold, we die…

there is a center degree each one of us hold that makes us feel the most at home, the most comfortable, or the most alive, but we are unable to simply maintain this degree on our own. we must lie, we must eat, sleep, share, give, get, project, and imagine and everything has it’s own temp, shade, or degree which causes our core temp, shade, or degree to vary up or down. too much in either direction, and we die…

each one of our senses, you do remember, right? the ones that have proven to be oh so deceptie, are the ones that are responsible for detecting color, taste, temp, depth, richness, and the degree of all things that we see, share, feel, give, and get that varies our core temperatures…

i feel black and white today, cold…

stay up; stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Curve The Light!

I was talkin to myself, tryna answer some questions. I could finally breathe as, Death just took her foot from my neck and if you ask me, she left a bad impression!

Curve The Light without any effort, without a fight. Just as I attempt to these crooked and twisted thoughts inside of my head, inside of my mind…

Trying harder to decide which me to be inside of these Twisting Realities…

Match_Books inside of the Match-Box~You can try but you’ll never turn back a clock!

I’m constantly Jaded because this love I feel is Jaded…

—>INCONSPICUOUS-&-ENVIOUS<—

Pre-meditated Adjudication and suddenly, I feel like I’m drowning~inadequate! I’m breathing under water! Don’t worry! Don’t hurry! It’s too late!!!

So, what’s up next? Ok, Ok…I’ll let ya know; I won’t make you weight, as that can get heavy! You know? When your thoughts jump up and levitate?!!!

But first, I must warn you, Honey! This is the XXX version! It ain’t free! So, BITCHES BETTER HAVE MY MONEY!!!

Hold up! Wait! First, I need a ride to the store! I’m outa Beer and smokes, and I fucken NEED more!

Ok! I’m back at it! I know! I know! I’m sorry if you panicked!

This next part is as much XXX as it is tragic! I confess, I had a Sadomasochist Accident! I learnt it from this chic I’m wit! At first she was a pacifist! But, now dat bitch an Anarchist!

~Curve The Light~

Wait! Can I get a re-do/ Scene One, Take two…

Where I live, I’m surrounded by churches. It’s a god damn miracle I ain’t burnt-up-yet! And just what is a miracle? Looky here! Looky here! I AM EMPIRACLE!!!

Thoughts that became actions in the un-describable shape of imagination that will always be the truest in theory because they will always have an ever-changing form! Unimaginative Norms! True North…

My moral compass won’t stop spinning! Hurry up! I cannot start over from the beginning!

The Light, it comes at me and as I twist away, it wraps itself around my head, which is now a ring, and my thoughts are getting ready to fight…

Now, this can happen during the day, but occurs mostly at night….

Stripped bare! My thoughts are now Bald! I just blew my brains all over the wall. It’s time to go to sleep. I need to go bleach my eyeballs. Chlorine Dreams! Curve the Light…

Stay up; Stay human…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles

Labels!

There’s all different kinds of Labels in this world. They come in all sorts of colors, shapes, and sizes. They have a million different reasons, meanings, and intentions. Some, even include a few surprises!

There are Labels on the food we eat, our beds, and even on the pillows on which we lay our heads! Some are accepted, while others, they will always be rejected with a malevolent level of acceptance…

But, when push comes to shove, the above mentioned Labels are not, today, the ones I wish to speak of…

I’m talking today about the Labels we put on others, the Labels that society gives us that cause an enormous amounts of mistrust…

Each Label has a definition, but who gets to be the one to define? How thick or thin are the lines? Some, are thin and barely make a sound, while others, are BLARING, thick, AND SO PROFOUND!

I’ve been called everything in the book! I’ve been given every Label. Shit, some I proudly took. Yeah, that’s right, read that again. I just ran out of ink. I’ll be right back; I gotta go grab another pen….

Some Labels though, are misunderstood. Their true meanings are much richer, much deeper than one would think, and I guess, as they should…

Be careful though, when throwing around Labels. Be cautious what you do, because that Label you gave me, just might be a better fit on you!!!

So, take those Labels from off of your pretty little head, and use them to cover the holes society has punched in your heart, INSTEAD!

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles #fuckstigmas #jsutsaynotolabels

Twisting Realities

When Twisting Reality, one must be prepared to spend time in quite a few frames of a jagged reality. I climb, once again, through this incision and into my degeneration. I’m on a never-ending quest, holding onto my own Reverberation…

~OVERLAPPING REALMS~WORLDS COLLIDE~

I jump from universe to universe, looking for a new place to hide…

Sometimes, I wanna make myself small, so I can just hide from it all. Just close the door and sit in a silence I’ve never felt before as I crawl around on the floor, looking for something I am pretty sure can’t be found…

In one world, I become numb from my own insanity…

You were shot from a gun and I was launched from a cannon…

You’re gonna ricochet and I’m still not sure where the fuck it is I’m landin~I’m still so high; I’m not even gonna lie…

I hope, wherever it is, there is a smooth escape. One that doesn’t require a super-hero, with a cape…

I wake up and it HURTS! My eyes see one world, but my mind is in another Universe! I feel like I’m going backwards, but only, in reverse…

I FEEL LIKE DESTROYING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!

My thoughts are maniacal and have landed me on a planet with no moons, a planet that can only be, Diabolical! Fuck You! I’m sick of you too…

Some days, I’m on auto-tune. My mind is like a million balloons!

It’s in this jagged reality, frames are protruding into the next as they remain a hold of the ones from the past, the last one causing a cynical like illusion, a non-paranoid delusion. One in which is large enough to climb through and as I do, she screams, “I want to follow you”!

I’m agitated! I’m aggravated! I’m one of the few that is honest about it, and for that, I’m hated!

There’s a fly in the ointment, in the vasoline! Fuck it! I’ma just throw this lit match where you’re standing~over there in that pool of gasoline!

I can’t stop chewing my teeth! So, I’m headed to the Flip-Side, the in-between, the underneath…

i don’t like this world! I wanna go to the one from the past!

HOW LONG DOES THIS SHIT LAST!?

Twisting Realities inside somewhere I don’t wanna be…

Stay up; Stay human too…

#builtnotbought #inthegrip #whiteknuckles