Tattooed My Soul

I got a pocket full of posies in a world full of posers, but it won’t protect me, it doesn’t do a thing for me. So, move the fuck over!

It’s been a weak since I’ve had some good sleep. This god damned medication is fucken week!

My life’s become a well-wrought work of havoc. #builtnotbought I may not like it, but you still can’t have it!

Last night, I lost control. I went out and tattooed mt Soul! I keep tryna find new ways to hide my pain, because it only hurts the more I show it. I got the Ace of Spades in my hand, but still I’ll blow it…

I’ve gotten soft in recovery. I’m to blame. It’s because of me.

I got a couple a friends, but a couple hundred haters and one or two that support me…

A couple of things need to change and a couple more need to be rearranged because, for way too long, I’ve felt deranged~being mentally unsound has left a bad taste in my mouth as my face is always being slammed to the ground…

My mercury is rising and it’s not surprising. Is it my mercurial sense this will affect or a mercurial temper that’s gonna leave me lonely…

I lost control and tattooed my Soul because every-time I show you my true colors, you attempt to repaint them! So, this permanent ink is all you’ll ever see again as the pain is now locked in…

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Soulcial Purgatory

My Soul, it shakes like a tambourine! I wish I could show you what it feels like to be me….

Emotional disconnection along with Soulcial rejection!

Company, it loves misery! This is what I cannot stand for me when all I give you is honesty…

But, neither can I get when I feel like a reject…

Are you sure you know what it is I am talking about? To old to matter, too addicted to have any clout!

The louder the sounds get, the harder it becomes for me to forget!

Clarity! This I cannot see, because it blinds me from who I am trying to be!

Infatuation towards the gravitation! It’s all just one big speculation!

Easy come, easy go right along with the ebbs and flows~this theory, I reject! Does that make me a reject? Ignorance is what I have come to expect!

An addict, I am the epitome, so wish for me! Tell your dad to stop tryna come and fight me!!!!!!!!!

Everybody that says they love me, I look around, and they are the one’s that cannot be found!

What is it you blame me for? I hope you find what it is you are looking for! Your reactions, have made me, once again, feel as privileged as a whore!

I let my life loose through my pen to tell a story. In real life, I have shown you so much more, but you still don’t know me!!!

Is it really that bad, to be in this Soulcial Purgatory? Like Tupac said, : you can’t see me”!

I’m pretty sure, I’ll remain here indefinitely!

upside down in a right side up world, and thinking about pushing!

Stay up. Stay human. #builtnotbought

What Are You Afraid of?

Does it matter how I ask you? Should I whisper it in your ear? Or yell it out into the air?

I have recently discovered the importance of fears, even if perceived as imaginary, because even those lead to anger, which is secondary.

I’m tired of being mad!

Most people, will say they support you, but when asked, they haven’t a clue as to what you are up to! Feelings go from red to blue!

So, I’d say I’m most afraid of abandonment! It’s that feeling that lasts for fucking ever! One minute you’re here and the next you’re a ghost!

It’s a rise and then crash! It’s “got me feeling like money in the trash”!

So, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Don’t ever leave me and I won’t abandon you…

Together, we are in this rat race! We don’t have to win, just set our own pace!

Abandonment, from me, you will never have to feel, as long as what you are saying and what I am feeling is real….

Stay up. Stay human too.

The Sketch of Consciousness

It’s become an interpersonal intellectual mind fuck! When certain personalities I’m forced to duck and others, I cannot run from…

I’m always the only one that’s forced to pick and choose and it feels like, because of my decisions, I’ the only one that will always lose.

So, what the FUCK am I gonna do? Who else is supposed to choose When I put myself up on that shelf. Different perceptions of the apperception. What then, is my definition of self? Especially when I feel like someone else!!??

Deeper into the rabbit hole I go because, to cognitive science, I am biased~In the search for an A Priori truth that isn’t transcendentally uncouth

Let the suffering speak! Better yet, let them sing! It soothes me in my time of spatio-temporal processing!

“Sometimes I wonder who the fuck I am”!

Time to begin a “radical naturalistic rethinking of the nature of human existence”! Doing this, will require relentless persistence…

I”m raspy in my mind! Definition of self, I must redefine, but not with one I find, with one I conceive, one that is mine!

Stay up. Stay Human.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Heavy Thoughts

“Sometimes I wonder who the Fuck I am”!

My life fell out of this pen in the form of a story. You read my words, but still, don’t know me! What do you expect when I’m “Illuminating My Own Intellect”

“What am I doing here”?

I’m tryna control the flames of the first five warning signs that I’m on a high just to fucking stay alive! But, control is a fallacy and addiction is self dependency…..

heavy thoughts in my head make it hard to pick it up off of the bed.

I look up and see the clouds are in layers. The high ones are steadfast. The ones below, they’re gone in a flash. I reached up to touch them, but my arm isn’t that long and just like that, they’re gone!

Life’s a bitch when you gotta live like this!

“What am I doing here”?

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

It’s A Good Day To Die

I been clean for years, having fun, and bumpin my gums…I knew this day would come! I thought I had it made and along came the Devil throwin shade…

He was too much to handle, even with all these pentagrams and candles!

I tried, I attempted to make a clear and present statement, but I should’ve known, he’d slam my face to the pavement…

I should’ve seen, my life was soaked in kerosene and with a good match…

My actions and the lack of a few things were the bad match…

What it do? What it won’t? All I can say is, live, I won’t..

What can I say? It’s not in my DNA!

I’m an addict and my name is Jay!

Along with the Devil, I go, because, to die, today is a good day…

Stay up. Stay human.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Emotionally Colorful!

I used to have a taste for anger and to fear, I was no stranger! Today, I can smell hope and it ain’t even at the end of a rope!

It’s been 2 years, 9 months, and 8 days since I’ve shot dope!

Back in those days, my eyes, skin, and Soul were gray…

Since the, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve lived a lot, succeeded and failed a lot. I blog a lot because I’ve got a lot to say…

First of all, I am an addict and my name is Jay. I no longer feel rejected and by saying I’m an addict, it helps me accept it. But, I must say it everyday…

Some days, I still feel gray, numb without drugs, like I’m caught in some type of matrix. There’s no way I can fake this, so, it must be real??!!!?? Others days, I feel as real as cold blue steel!

Everything, everyday has a different color and on each day, I must mull it over, and hopefully, it makes sense, you know, what I discover?!

Oh so colorful are these things we call emotions. They have the potential to change like the wind, so, to one, it’s no use to stay devoted.

Up, down, and inside-out, I’m still tryna figure this color chart out and why I feel what I feel and what it’s all about.

One color, one day, for one emotion can change the next. I’ve discovered that notion and accepted that conception…

And each color has a different shade that can alter by the day. It can change by what you hear, by what I say…

I have faith, yes, but not the transcendental kind. It’s a faith of or in my mind, for, as confusing as it may be at times, it’s the only kind not given, its the only type I can find that is MINE!

Just as the colors for emotions can change, so can the shade. #builtnotbought! MADE!

Emotins can change too and many times a day, for me, they do!

What do colors and emotions mean to you???!!!?!??!

oh yeah, some, because of my attempt to get in touch with my emotions, will say I’ not a man~Well then, up against the world, alone, I stand BRAVELY!

Saty up. Stay human

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

Stealing Seconds…

I turnt my Life into a fight and quick too, like mother-fucking overnight!

I gotta get me some Act Right! It’s not fight or flight as much as it is the Fight of My Life!

I’m not sure if tomorrow’s ever gonna come. Last night, in The Witching Hour, when I woke up, I caught myself speaking in tongues!

Hard to tell what’s for real, when it’s seconds I’m always having to steal..

You don’t see what I see when I go to sleep. The Demons lay and wait at the end of my bed by my feet as I pull it over my head, the broken dreams of a sheet…

—–>Stole Seconds<—–

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, one by one, the seconds pass by on the clock. I reach up to steal some and I cannot blink. It’s not as easy as one might think. I have to give it all I got!

86,000 and 400 times a day I am forced to go through this. Anger is secondary, but it’s also a gift!

There’s no rain outside but there’s this Thunder in my head…

I do what they say and pray to God for peace. But, in doing that, I find no relief. “Your religion is funny because it’s all about the money and got me sick to my tummy”. It’s used to control you with fear, THE END IS NEAR! Back-door Baptists and Under-the-Desk-Catholics are precisely what the facts is!

Always a thief! Constantly stealing seconds got me feeling week. I’m tired, but I’m scared to close my eyes, to go to sleep…

—–>Stealing Seconds<—–

It’s not the apocalypse now, it’s more like the apocalypse somehow! How many seconds do I got? I forgot! I lost count! FUCK! What now?!!! I don’t wanna go to bed and start all over again!

Stay up. Stay Human too!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

“The Golden Mean”

When I awoke, I had four sharpened razor’s at the foot of my bed. When I looked up. I had two SwitchBlade Angels above my head. Then, there she was, laying next to me in my bed. The decision weighed, on which Demon was to be fed~Fight or Flight…

—–>The Golden Mean<—–

My time with the SwitchBlade Angels, is always well spent…

The four sharpened razor’s at the foot of my bed, were heaven sent…

The one laying next to me, well. she’s Hell bound and whiskey bent…

I must make a decision using the thing I think with, but my my is not as sharp as those razor’s, which were heaven sent…

—–>The Golden Mean<—–

I learned the hard way what that meant…

For many others before me, The Golden Mean, is the moral behavior between two extremes…

To master this, they say, makes one Virtuous. I took one look and thought, “How can I manipulate this”?!!!

I often think back to “The Perfect Blossom”…”T he Perfect Blossom is a rare thing you could spend your whole life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life” the last samurai

There’s a lot of letters grouped together to form a lot of words in this post. But, there are a few that stick out to me more than most…

Virtuous, “T he Perfect Blossom” and the title of this post.

I just took another pill and it’s time to thread the needle if you will…

It’s fight or flight in which I’ve learned to live my life~This is where I start to change the way I think, using only the thing I think with…

Holes to fill and mountains made from mole hills, have always been the task at hand as well as the lay of the land

~Flight or Fight!Death or Life~

I have systematically turned everything in my life into a life or death situation using residual, maladaptive, manipulative thinking. “My pain is self chosen” It’s time to tear this old man down in order to keep his ship from sinking…

Virtuous~it’s what lies in between the two extremes-excess and deficiency. The Golden Mean, is what’s for me. Ya know what I mean?

Stay up. Stay human too.

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought

The Good Life…

There are times when I need to, but it feels like I can.t even breath.

There are times when I need you, I long for your touch, but most days, I can’t stand it, it’s too much…

There are times when I laugh, but that ain’t from happiness,no. It’s because of the madness…

I’m not, sometimes, what you see. I stand here smiling, but have in fact gotten lost inside of the emptiness inside of me…

Some might say, “Jay, you live the good life”! Well, maybe, but in comparison it’s not really comparable to the real parable!

There still exists this beast, this monster, inside of me. It used to feed on my Soul, but today, it eats from a bowl. I’m constantly forced to be something or someone I’n not in order to give it all that I’ve got. Sometimes, I put different parts of me into that bowl, and, I’m left to fill this hole. Wandering! I’m just an outside and want to be left alone…

In times like these, WonderLust is a must!

Everyday I try and take back my life, but it ain’t easy. It’s a battle, it’s a fight!

It takes dedication. Oh yeah! Enter in medication, this fist full of pills! It’s nothing more than a crap shoot if you will!

I take what I have, what you gave, but most days they barely help keep me from my grave…

The grave, by definition, needs not to be defined, but allow me to redefine. The grave, it doesn’t have to be six feet deep. Sometimes, mine is when I’m on my own two feet. When I’m stumbling around on this emotional battleground. My SwitchBlade Angels nipping at my heels and whispering in my ear that fear is OK to feel…once again, I’m brOKen…

After stealing his thoughts, my own, yellow eyed, shadow I’m scared of because I’ve seen where he comes from…

Being this fucked up and emotionally scarred, I know, ain’t easy to see. So, everyday, I pretend to be what you want me to be, who it is you want to see…

~Cradled to The Grave~

~!The Good Life!~

Stay up. Stay human too. upside-down in a right side up world and i’m thinking about jumping!

#inthegrip #whiteknuckles #builtnotbought